2 down…and some ramblings

So as I explained in the previous entry, I thought my first interview went pretty well. I must have been correct because first thing Monday morning I got a call from the Director of the DC office asking me to come in for an interview on Tuesday! That one went really well too, I think. I hope. I really really hope. The Director and I seemed to know a lot of the same people in the field and be familiar with the same organizations and current events. So rather than just a question and answer and note taking session, we had a pretty good discussion on the nature of the position, and some of my work in that arena,  how it could be applied to this position, who we knew and what they were up to. She was very impressed with my resume and at the end of the interview she showed me around the office and introduced me to the staff attorney. Which I think is a very good sign. The best sign would have been that she offered me the position on the spot, however that would be hoping for a little too much.

She said I would hear from HR within a couple weeks. She has to finish up with the prospective candidates that HR sends her way and then send her recommendation to HR who then offers that candidate the position. So we will see.

On another note. BW. When he talked me out of breaking up with him a little over two months ago, he reminded me of why I had fallen in love with him in the first place. But I think I am discovering that the reasons you fall in love with someone and some of the more practical reasons you stay don’t always add up to enough. I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again. He is a good man with a big heart and he loves me more than anything. We balance each other very delicately. I feel guilty for not being happy with someone who should make me happy.

I am restless and beginning to see that balance in a different light. Another way to say it is that he knows how to handle me: my ups and downs. I gave a lot of advice on break ups and the end of relationships to Lyss about a month ago when she broke up with her boyfriend. (I have a bit of experience with these things unfortunately). It’s odd, now that I am trying to figure this out again, she is throwing that advice right back at me an it makes sense. A good man and a good partner is nothing to sneer at. But the flip side is that I shouldn’t be staying with someone just because they are a good person and a good partner.  I love him, I always will, but it isn’t enough.

The first time I tried to break up with him I told him I was feeling restless and unhappy and I wanted to end it before I started to resent him for it. Well I stayed and now I am starting to resent him. Because I view making time for him in my life as an obligation. And that isn’t fair to either of us. He deserves someone who is deliriously happy to see him every single time.

I feel guilty because last time he had me moving out as a warning that everything wasn’t okay. But now he thinks that everything is okay again. We’ve been talking about our future and our life together.  I was part of those conversations because I wanted it to make me happy so badly. Looking back on them I just feel trapped.

I also feel extremely guilty that these revelations started when I was having a conversation with an acquaintance of mine who, up until this conversation, I had never really sat down and talked to. We were hitting it off so amazingly and he was making it obvious that he thought I was pretty and unbidden the thought: "Oh! I wish I had stuck to breaking up with BW the first time!" popped into my head. I was shocked, but that thought just started the above stated avalanche in my head.