Early morning thoughts

My cat is trying to help me type and we are both failing miserably.

I can’t sleep. I know why. I don’t always.

I know I need to give our relationship time. I moved out to gain clarity. I was unhappy and I couldn’t seem to pinpoint the exact reason. Him, us, or just the living situation in general. Perhaps none of those. Hormones which have been running absolutely amuck since going off the pill? Feeling lost and depressed because after five years of school and two degrees I am still waitressing? It could be any of those. It could be all of those. It could be none of those.

We deserve a chance. But instead, I can’t keep myself from trying to come to a decision. I’m dwelling on something that just needs to rest for a while. I keep coming back to the same rational reasons for ending it. Reasons that won’t change no matter how much time I give us. I think maybe I am hoping that one day I will wake up and decide those reasons aren’t important enough. That love will overcome reality. But in the end I am not that kind of hopeless romantic. Sometimes I wish I was. Instead I am some strange combination of eternal optimist and realist. As an aside, I think that is what interests me in policy so much.

I keep wondering if I would have discovered this gaping disconnect if I had found a job right away or if I had never met ….let’s call him JF. BW lacks passion about anything in his life. No great causes. No hobbies. Meanwhile I am distinctly passionate about human rights and social justice and the myriad of issues that fall under those categories. It is my career as well as a giant part of what makes me tick. He loves that about me, but I feel like he will never quite understand that part of me because he doesn’t have something in his life that he is passionate about. That is a pretty large part of me not to comprehend. Then again…perhaps I need someone exactly like that to keep me from becoming a burned out workaholic. If I had found a job right out of school and gone from being surrounded by other social workers in graduate school to an organization full of people just as passionate as I am, would I have ever noticed that lack? Since I was getting that understanding from coworkers, would I even have considered it something that was lacking in our relationship? Another factor was meeting and getting to know JF. Before him I didn’t really know what it was like to find that passionate counterpoint as well as attraction and potential in a man. JF in himself is a completely different can of worms as well. If I do end things with BW, should I start something with JF? I think I am far too befuddled to make any rational decisions regarding that. Besides, that is getting way ahead of myself.

If I break it down, I think I know what I need to do. However, my heart and the little part of me that is terrified of not being loved is screaming out  "Finances can be compromised on and who cares if he isn’t passionate about something in his life as long as he is passionate about you." There are very few times when I regret wanting more out of life than a happy home with kids, a dog, a loving husband, and a job that pays well. On paper that sounds like enough for anyone. BW would give it all to me in a heartbeat if he could. If that would truly make me happy then BW would be the perfect man. He is an amazing man and he fulfills a goofy, fun, loving, romantic side of myself that I sometimes lose and desperately need to maintain to stay sane. He loves me and would endure anything for me and I would be stupid to throw that kind of love away.

But something keeps nagging at me to hold out for something more. I feel greedy wanting more. That should be enough. Maybe the should bes are what is getting in my way. I want an excuse to stay. I want that to make me happy. It’s more than many people have.

And that is what is keeping me awake tonight.