10/23/08

One of the things that scares me the most is limiting the possibilities in my life. I panic when I start to make a choice that narrows the possibilities of my life. Even if that choice is one that makes me happy…I rebel against it. It’s so hard to describe the mental imagery and panic and anxiousness that accompany this weird phenomenon in my head. Perhaps not difficult so much as I am too tired to verbalize this abstract concept in my head. I am going to have to start making some choices that make me happy and deal with the fact that sometimes happiness narrows and directs your life for you a little. Not give up on any dreams, because I fully believe it is up to you to make your dreams a reality. But there is going to come a point where I need to pick and choose between possible futures. Narrow it down to a few compatible ones that will make me happy and that I can pursue within one lifetime. Or two. Because the last thing I would ever want is to be an old woman who never made a happiness choice (I like that term. It is mine now. Any choice that you make because it makes you happy or leads to happiness) and thus made sure all her opportunities were still there, never taking one in exclusion of the others, and as a result just drifted through life never really doing anything. That would be just awful.

As  side note: I had my first big triumph in the policy world tonight. I diplomatically cowed a Congressman and was complimented by four fairly high level political movers and shakers on my grasp of public policy, diplomacy, and the way i handled the situation. Go me!