6/18/08

I’m antsy. I came to the conclusion that this relationship won’t make me happy in the long run. Decisions like that always set me so free mentally. And now I am itching for the next big life change.

It makes me wonder if I will always be like this. Wanting to be happy to settle down with a man and some cats in an amazing little city…yet constantly looking for the next adventure for the next move or job change or relationship change.

Until today, until I actually wrote it down, I could tell myself that what I have now is what I want for the rest of my life. A job, an amazing boyfriend, some pets, a little house. And suddenly, within 6 hours, I feel so stifled and am fighting the urge to get up and get out.

I don’t want to go to bed.

Why couldn’t I have just avoided until the end of summer. I am leaving for grad school then. I could have been blissfully unaware of how wrong this was until I was living alone and far away and realized (again) how much I cherish not being accountable to anyone. And I could have taken the cowards way out and said I was too busy with school and interning to keep a relationship going long distance instead of admitting that the reason I want to end it is that I don’t want to be tied down and I want adventure and I want to have every possibility open to me. That I want to be able to pick up and move to an African refugee camp if I want. That I always start to feel trapped in my relationships and get out when I feel those possibilities slipping away. And that he is bitter and too old and I want to be with someone who can share my optimism and my passion for the stupid, happy, little moments in life that make you want to spin around and around and laugh til your stomach hurts.

Stupid, stupid little girl.