2/3/08

so after several hours of trying to regain my sense of control over my body through unhealthy measures, I went for a run.

Not a long one. It’s a lot warmer than it has been, but still cold enough to make my lungs ache. And by the time I got back my head was a little clearer but I still wasn’t ready to come back inside and deal with whatever demons were waiting for me. So I sat on my front step and took my headphones out and listened to the traffic and the birds in the dark and felt the cold air on my skin.

And then I remembered that I now have swings in my back yard. I went back and sat in the middle swing and swung back and forth for half an hour, listening to the wind rush past my ears and just feeling the motion of the swing and thinking about the flowers I will plant in the spring. I came to a stop and I felt calm again. Calm and clean and in control again.

And then I saw a strange dark shape behind the shed and realized that I was alone in the dark at nearly midnight, which I used to love. But I stared at that dark shape and suddenly was so incredibly frightened that I didn’t think I could force myself to get up off the swing and walk to my front door. I sat there until I wasn’t sure which I couldn’t bear anymore: sitting there in the dark waiting for that shape to move and become a man or not forcing myself to run to the bright safety of the inside and my room mates. I finally forced myself up and I ran as fast as I could to the front door, which I slammed shut and locked behind me.

Now I am just queasy and shaking. It’s going to be a long night.