RAD classes

Today was horrible. For my senior social work seminar, the women in the class have to take a Rape/Aggression Defense course. It’s a two day course learning self-defense and how to avoid risky situations. As social workers we will be working with possibly unstable populations, in very unstable environments, so it is very important that we have at least some knowledge of self defense.

I have never been raped, but I have been sexually assaulted three times in the past four years. It is obviously in no way as extreme as rape, but the feelings of loss of self control and possession of your body, the self blaming, paranoia, and distrust that result are very similar. The first time it happened, a guy I knew cornered me in the girl’s bathroom on our floor. I got away and told a bunch of people we were hanging out with what had happened. He denied the whole thing and I was called a liar and a slut by half of campus. The second time, my cousin groped me. He did it to my other cousin too. When I told his parents, they sent him to counseling but his dad told me that these things happen all the time and that it was best just not to talk about it. That teenage boys have raging hormones they just can’t control. The third time it happened was two weeks ago at my birthday party. A guy came up beside me and put his arm around my waist. I tried to pull away but he pulled me up against him and squeezed my butt. I slapped him and turned to walk away but he pushed me up against the wall and slid one hand up my shirt and the other between my legs. I pushed him away and punched him. By that time the bouncer had come over and escorted him out of the bar. This time I didn’t tell anyone. The only people who know are the ones who saw it happen.

I was really excited to take this course. All three times I have been able to handle the situation and get away, but the emotional trauma I am discovering is a little overwhelming. I was looking at this course as a way of empowering myself and restoring my confidence.

But then we started talking about rape and the statistics and the effects and watched a video of several women recounting their experiences. And my palms were sweating and my heart was racing and I could barely hold back my sobs and I could feel myself disassociating. I relaxed when we started to talk about risk reduction strategies, like not letting any stranger into your house and not walking out to your car alone late at night.

But after our lunch break when we came back to start the self defense lessons, it started all over again. We were all practicing yelling "NO" and learning defensive stances and how to block a hit with our forearms. With all the yelling and the talk of physical violence against us and situations that might arise, the flashbacks bombarded me. We got into lines to practice the stances and blocking and when I stepped up and tried to get into my stance and yell "NO" my throat closed up and I had to run from the room. It was just too much.

I want to learn all of this. It’s good to know and I think it would be good for me, but the simulation is just too much. I’ve been there and done that, I don’t need a simulation to show me what it might feel like if I am attacked or put in a situation like that. I made myself come back into the room to watch, but I could barely watch the girls practicing without bursting into tears. So many flashbacks. I had no clue I remembered so many little details of those events. Like the way the bathroom smelled and how strong my cousin’s hand was and how the stubble of that stranger’s face felt underneath my palm when I slapped him.

I am going back tomorrow to at least watch and learn, but I can’t practice it and I can not stay for the end of class simulation where we are each given three scenarios where we are attacked by a guy dressed in pads.

Too much. Just too much.