Time Flies

Well, it looks like I accidentally left counseling again. Time really goes by too fast. I feel like I just had a session a few months ago, and that I was planning on scheduling a new one soon. “Soon” for me has become the dreaded word that many will recognize, if they like NIN. (I have seen Reznor use every word under the sun but that, ever since it became a joke among us assholes, really.) Now it is the same for me. I meant to keep going. Then I started working nights, and the balance fell apart again. I like to use my days for sleep and play. I don’t want to do anymore work. Even though EMDR was great, I don’t feel like I have anything left I need to do with working on the past. Even my seasonal shit wasn’t that bad, this year. I’m not saying it was pleasant. It just isn’t anywhere NEAR what I used to go through. Further convincing me it was my diseases organs causing all of my major problems with suicidal ideation.

I should have gone right after I got the promotion to Assistant Manager. Maybe I could have saved myself a lot of pain in 2016. There were days when I’d come up with missing time when the stress of the position, the inability to get the orders filled because we didn’t have anyone to fill the orders, the inability to keep up with checking the stupid ass substitutions people were making, or knowing damned well we had things in stock that the person didn’t feel like getting, and I had no one to run and get it after the people showed up, and also having to take the orders out to the cars, take the payments and load the groceries by myself, too. I was being forced to do 4 positions with very large demands in less than an hour. It’s no wonder I had missing time. So I stepped down. And that made some difference. Not enough. Time healed some of the wounds. But hearing the things the general offices have planned for the department, I had to get out. With the kids needing me again, and the grandparents not being capable of doing helping anymore, I went back to nights. That has already made a huge improvement in my life.

It doesn’t change how fast time moves, though. I feel bad that I accidentally let it go so long that I got the survey they send when you leave counseling in the mail. Oops.