02/18/2013

I’m a little confused. Not really about my feelings but about Mike’s. I’ve pretty much already put him in the box of "we’re having sex because it’s more habitual than anything, and he’ll be settling down soon, hopefully." But the other day i ended up staying the night at his house because I was too tired to drive back.

When we woke up, he turned on the water in the bathroom, came back and got me out of bed, and led me to the bathroom. He had a candle lit, undressed me, turned on soft music, and we showered in the dark together. We’ve had showers together before, but this…it was simply beautiful. He washed my hair, me, and was so gentle and loving and… i swear, thinking about that feeling makes me teary eyed. The way he touched me, and looked at me, held me in his arms and the tenderness. We caressed each other for at least an hour.

Near the end it became sexual, and he started saying things about him being my first and so I belonged to him. When we finally had sex he made me say that I was his.

I’m baffled. Here we’ve been having sex and I’ve been making a point of leaving right after so I can keep it clear in my mind that it’s just sex..then he goes and gives me the most romantic thing that’s happened to me in years. I enjoyed it so much, but I had to keep myself from running away afterwards. My head was screaming at me "Why are you enjoying this so much? Nothing can come of this. He wants to marry another girl, and even if that doesn’t work out, you can not be with him. Ever again." I know we’ll never really be together. We can’t.

Maybe I should just enjoy the feeling, and not think about it too much. But I’m a girl. I think. A lot. My problem is that I don’t know what’s going through his head. Is he just enjoying the moment too? Did he do all of that because he knows our time together is coming to an end?

It’s weird. My last entry was about wanting to love intensely like when I was younger. Then I get a taste of it and it scares me. I’m just scared because I want Mike. I really do. Through the ups and the downs and even though I know he’s hurt me, I’ll always have feelings for him. That moment, spanning for about two hours, made me feel the intense pang of love that I used to feel. I forgot that feeling. I’d be more ok if it wasn’t him that I felt this way about, since nothing can come of it.

There was also a point, afterwards, that he said something about people that are in love with someone that never say it, but you can see it in their eyes and should just come out with it. I swear he was talking to me, but what the hell is the point of saying it again? I haven’t said I loved him but once in the past five years. I feel like saying it would put me in a vulnerable position. I’m in a weak enough position simply because he knows without me saying anything. But admitting it…and having him say he doesn’t feel the same way. Or having him say we can’t be together, I already know that, I don’t need the reminder.

After that, he played a song that mentioned broken promises and I admitted that I didn’t really remember him making any promises except that he’d always love me. And I was surprised at him saying that it was true, but he did basically say that it didn’t matter and kind of made it seem more like a love for a puppy than anything else. He didn’t say that exactly, but what he did say gave me that feeling. I was a little caught in my own head so it was hard to remember everything. I was caught in feelings.

He’s releasing his brain ninjas on me. And unless he plans to say he loves me and wants to be with only me, I’m going to take it with a grain of salt and just enjoy the feelings. I’ll enjoy the romance, but I will not be hurt when it ends. I’ll be glad I got to have these moments, I’ll be glad that time in the shower with him made me forgive him. Made me love him, and now I can just be happy that he was in my life. And I’ll know the feeling I want with a man. I will feel like that again.