11/29/2012

I did something moderately funny tonight. Back before Mike and I stopped being friends I had bought him a birthday gift. Well, we stopped talking on his birthday, so I never gave it to him. Well, I finally decided to just leave it in his mailbox because well…I have no use for it, and it’s still pretty funny. It was a book entitled something like "What men think about apart from sex" and the pages inside the book are completely blank. I figured it fit, plus he could always use it as a journal.

I’m so ready for school. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to go this semester because I’ve been trying to transfer and the school I was trying to get into fucked up twice. They told me I was good to go and just had to wait to see I was accepted and oops, turns out I missed something, and it was too late for them. Well, I found another school that’s still accepting and is a lot cheaper. I probably won’t stay there, but I don’t want to miss another semester (last semester I also got dicked over by the same school as this time, they couldn’t seem to find my official transcript. And I sent it like four times.) so I just went ahead and did that. Turns out my pell grant will cover tuition, plus some. Yay!

On a darker note…I’m kind of going through something, and have been for a while. I feel like there’s a darker side of me that I lose control of sometimes and it kind of scares me. I try to be logical, I try not to let my emotions get in the way, unless I’ve judged that I have the right to, and then I let myself go (crying, getting rid of a friendship, etc.). But… I don’t even know if I want to put down what I’ve been thinking on here because I don’t want people to think I’m sick.

Basically I have anger issues. And I’ve had urges to hurt others when they make me mad. Not like kill or anything, just slap or whatever. For example my grandma has dementia and sometimes…it’s fucking hard to deal with her childlike behavior with a coating of bitchiness. She throws food across the room, spits on the floor, shits on the floor, pisses in purses…that kind of deal. Yesterday I was sweeping up some food she had thrown on the floor and she told me not to do that and I said I had to because she left it there. Well, her reaction was "Excuse the hell out of me!". She went on to be more of a bitch. Well, I wanted to slap the piss out of her. I ended up swatting her on the leg when she told me to shut up or something ,and I told her to stop acting like a child. Of course, I felt bad about that, but I mean…people spank kids. And she pretty much is a child. She doesn’t remember me, she remembers her mom, etc, etc. The difference is that kids can learn from their mistakes because of spankings. She won’t remember it, and will do the same thing tomorrow. Sometimes how she is makes me want to cry. She’s not the woman I knew. The only thing that remains the same from who she used to be is that she has bitchy moments.

Anyway, I don’t feel bad about swatting her, because it wasn’t too hard or anything. I feel bad about the desire to hurt her. Usually I’m fine, but sometimes…I just want to beat the shit out of her. And that scares me. I’ve noticed whenever I think violent thoughts about anything or anyone, I suck in my cheeks. Kind of like I’m making a fish face, but less pronounced. I find it weird that I have dreams about hurting her or Amanda, and yet I’ve never had a dream like that about Mike. And he actually hurt me. I don’t understand.