09/26/2012

I feel like I’m going crazy. I can’t stop thinking about a particular subject that I don’t really want to outright say on here. I feel like I’m obsessing. But when I try not to think about it, I dream about it. I was fine until about a month ago. I guess that makes sense considering what August should have been to me. I’m dieting and losing quite a bit of weight fast, I’m quitting smoking, and now…I have nothing to take my mind off of things because I’m slowly getting rid of habits, so I have more time to think.

I started crocheting, I read two or three books, watched a bunch of netflix. I’m going to start going to the gym, maybe that will help.

I wish I could talk to someone about it, but I can’t. I could at first, but now it just feels weird and I wonder what people are thinking about the fact that I want to talk about it. The one person I want to talk to about it most won’t talk to me and is angry with me…mainly because I got mad at him and told him we couldn’t be friends, because prior to that he said he still wanted me in his life despite me telling Casey the truth. And yeah, since I was the one who ended the friendship, I should be the one to contact him first, but I kind of have. I’ve asked him about where to drop off his stuff, told him I didn’t blame him for all the bad in my life, stuff like that. I can’t let myself do more than that.

I tried to actually talk to him once since we stopped being friends and after he said I could talk to him about that situation, after I told him what was going on, he didn’t help. He just asked me why I was talking to him, and I pointed out I asked from the beginning if he was ok with me asking him for help, and he said "go ahead". So since then I feel like that’s it, he should be the one to strike the next conversation. Even if I need to talk about something. He was a good friend, he just was a really shitty lover/boyfriend.

I don’t know what to do. How do you forget or get over something? I wish I could just not remember some things.