Friends

I’ve felt a connection to Casey since I met her. I don’t really know how to describe it. It’s like, I knew that we’d be best friends one day. It started when she was near the end of her relationship with Mike and I realized I liked her more than him. Shit, I liked Shawna more than him. Shawna is awesome. I guess I had the tendency to like his female friends, but it was only two, and I knew Casey before they got together. Before they got together I felt like Miranda, Casey and I were kind of like the three musketeers. While Miranda and all of us are on decent terms, it’s not the same. Now it’s kind of split into Taylor and Miranda and then me and Casey.

Either way, I feel really close to her. We’ve opened up to each other about so much these past few weeks, especially. She’s told me things that only one other person knows, and I will keep that secret as long as she needs me to. And I trust her with my information. I mean, I don’t care much if she talks about what we have talked about except specific details I said "no one can know" and it was something silly that I’m embarrassed about, but no one would care to know anyway. Like the fact that I feel like I have too much facial hair. lol

Things I told her:

I keep getting infections with Rocky, but it’s gotten better since we use condoms more and I bought this pH balance wash. Apparently he just fucks up my pH.

I told her the full details of the abortion, and how it made me feel. And I cried about the fact that I’d be giving birth sometime next month. And for some reason when I was pregnant it messed with my hormones and I felt happier. Or maybe I just felt like the baby was mine, and… I still talk to myself like it’s there.

I told her about how whorish I felt because I went from being with only 3 men in January to 7 now. Each one I could explain how it just didn’t work out, like I thought a relationship was to be had and they ended it. Either way, it still makes me feel like a whore. I doubled my number really fast. I’m so lucky Rocky meant everything he said and is with me now. I’ve always been so aware of my number, and have turned down so many guys, even when shit faced…and suddenly it went BOOM! Ironically, two of the guys that dropped me knew me for like seven years, and the third for a few months…and Rocky and I had sex after a week, and we’re still together after almost 5 months. I’m very thankful to have him in my life.

I talked to her about my dad, my biological father, Trey in full details, my mom and her good and bad points, my sister. Everything. Just everything and anything that has ever plagued me or made me laugh.

She told me similar things. Random: She told me that Mike talked about me all the time when they were together. And I was like "At least I didn’t bitch about him until after we stopped talking". I make a point to not talk shit about people when we’re on decent terms. He was afraid I’d try to sway her by talking about abuse and shit, but in the end I just told her he was cheating. I couldn’t hide it anymore. I liked her too much. When her friendship meant more to me than his, I had to say something. But yeah, she said he mentioned me everyday and she would get annoyed. <.< Which led me to tell her about how he used to get on Jamie’s yahoo messenger and pretend to be Jamie so he could talk to me. And read my open diary and mention it years later. (I don’t think he reads it anymore because I deleted it and made a new one, but I don’t know. I used the same name. I don’t care either way.) And made fake myspace and facebook profiles to "check in" on me.

It’s funny because apparently he told Taylor and Casey and most likely…well, everyone, that I was a ninja and would hurt them if I found out he was with them or sleeping with them, and I was obsessed….even though every time we’ve stopped being friends it was initiated by me. When I walked out on him at 18, when we started sleeping together a year or two later I just stopped talking to him and changed my number, and then this time he was saying he still loved me and wanted me in his life and I told him every girl he was sleeping with deserved better and I couldn’t talk to him anymore. Casey believes me about that part because she broke up with him via text and he’s telling people he broke up with her and she cried. I believe her because he told her he told me to fuck off when I was the one to end the friendship.

Anyway, back to Casey stuff. I talked to her about how I tried weed after Rocky and I got together. I had smoked it twice before, I think, with my mom, and I had thought I was allergic or some shit. It made no sense. It made me feel sick and blah. Rocky smokes a lot, so I gave it a try again. Pretty much same effect. I’ve come to the conclusion it just makes me dizzy and the dizziness makes me want to throw up. So I did it like three times with him and it’s not my thing. It tastes horrible, and makes me gag, and I hate the smell. The only thing I like is the feeling I get before I feel sick. It’s not worth it. I gave it multiple chances though.

I’ve been contemplating doing other things. I haven’t yet. But Rocky has done so much, it makes me….envious? Is that weird? All I’ve ever done is drink, smoke cigarettes, and weed a handful of times. And he’s done…oh, gosh. Almost everything. I never thought I’d be with a guy like that. He doesn’t anymore of course. But he had a phase where he was a druggy and apparently an asshole with anger issues. (His words, not mine. I have no idea what he was like.)

But yeah..I’m one of the very few friends of Casey that her husband likes. It feels pretty awesome to win over such a tough crowd. And her daughter is adorable. She gives me little kisses and hugs. I mean, she is a bit overly dependent on people because of her dad and great grandma, but she’ll grow out of it.

I haven’t felt this close to a friend…in forever. We cried together. I don’t do that. haha I’ve only cried in front of boyfriends and maybe one or two people besides that. I don’t even cry in front of my mom. I did once, and it was right after Trey’s accident. I cried a lot back then.

That’s another thing I talked to her about.. about how I used to have extremely suicidal thoughts, but I’d never, ever do anything because I think it’s weak and selfish. But I think about it pretty much daily. And it used to be worse. And it’s not over my dad, my grandparents, Mike, or Trey even though all of that would be enough to some. I just get really sad sometimes. But the Trey thing was the worst. I haven’t been REALLY sad about Mike since I was like 19 or 20.

I was sad about him once when I was pregnant, and that was when I told him about it. I handled everything else like I had no emotions. "Oh…it still shows I’m pregnant and they said I should go to the hospital, but the planned parenthood said it was all good…so I’m not." And I didn’t. And it was all good. I have the paper work where they said I still was positive on hcg or something, which is the hormone they check for when you’re pregnant, on 1/19/2012. Just in case anyone doesn’t believe me. Like if Mike doesn’t believe me and decides to bitch at me one day. I’ll send him a copy. It shows all that stu

ff from the health clinic that said that and the date and signed and blah. So yeah. No one can’t say I wasn’t pregnant, because I still had a positive when I tested again two weeks after the abortion. I didn’t like go around telling everyone, but I told my closest friends. And if he decides to be friends with everyone again, he’ll say it was all a lie. And I don’t lie about shit like that. Maybe he does think it was a lie. I should have taken a pregnancy test at his house and showed it before and after so he knew it wasn’t a hoax.

Anyway, that’s my ranting, and my gushing. I’m happy today.