Men, Sex, and Cigarettes

I went to a Halloween party Saturday night. Everyone got shitfaced and started making out. I swear, it was mildly disturbing. I drank too, but I didn’t get drunk. I got tipsy. Mike finally consented that I could drink, but only if I got sad that I had to go outside. So, when I got sad, I went outside…and decided I wanted to go walking through a field. Then I laid down in the field, watched the stars, and sang My Immortal by Evanescence. Well, I was out there for an hour, no shoes or jacket, and it was below 40 degrees. I didn’t care, I couldn’t really feel it. But apparently people were freaking out about me being gone.

I kept sneaking out and doing the same thing, until I sobered up some more and finally told people "I’m going out. Don’t freak out. I won’t die."

While I was at my most tipsy/drunk, this guy tried to, and succeeded, make out with me. When he pulled me to him I said, "But I don’t know yo—" and then he touched my junk and I literally ran out of the room. When everyone was upset with me for running off, he talked to me about what made me sad and I told him about Trey’s car wreck. He started smooth talking me and kissed me and I said I wanted to go inside. He said he wanted to go to the field with me. Well, being inebriated I did. And out there, he started macking on me again and said things like "You’re the only one I see." blah blah. I said I thought we should go inside. Then he tries to do stuff again and I told him I didn’t want to have sex. He said he didn’t do that the first time meeting someone. He just wanted to dry hump. I wasn’t really wanting to do that either, but he kind of kissed me into being okay with it. But then he tried to go further, AGAIN, and I jumped up and said I wanted to go back to the others. He finally agreed. I’m glad it didn’t turn into rape.

After all of that, feeling like a whore even though I dodged sex and anything with the word sex in it…I find out…he has a girlfriend. And she was at the party.

What. The. Fuck?

She wasn’t mad at me, she was just sad. Because apparently he does that all the time. I feel so bad for her. If I had known, I wouldn’t have been down even with the kissing.

He texted me the next day and said we should hang out soon. I asked him, "Your girlfriend okay with that?"

He hasn’t replied since. Guess he didn’t know my friends told me. I had a good laugh at that.

On top of all of that: earlier that day before the party, Mike and I had sex again. Yeah, he’s still the only person I’ve been with since Trey and I broke up. But he tells me he is talking to a girl and that he wants to get with her. I’m okay with it right? Later I find out this girl is my friend and they were lying about who she was because everyone thought I would freak out. Seriously…I’ve told everyone I’m okay with him finding someone and me finding someone, but I don’t like to be lied to. I don’t like people thinking I’m obsessed with him to the point where he has to lie. If I had known, I just wouldn’t have had sex with him.

Anyway. So, I bought my first pack of cigarettes yesterday. Smoked my first cigarette. I never thought I would. I’ve been used by one man to punish his girlfriend for flirting. And I’ve been used by Mike for sex until he finally got with my friend, because he knew I wouldn’t have sex if I knew he was trying to get with her. All in one day.

I’m officially not having coitus with anyone. I plan to not do it for a long…long time.

I’m tired of being lied to. Seriously, if you think something will make me mad…lying about it will make it worse. Things don’t piss me off as much as one might think. It’s just the secrets and lies.