pollen
i am realising that i need to be stronger. like lancelot with metal armor, my fists could break through anything except for myself.
i am breaking myself.
i am dreaming, of things that i do not wish to dream about. i am dreaming of other women. of him with other women. and these dreams, they follow me around all day, bad smells that cling to my loose clothes like pollen. i try to stop myself from breaking down at inopportune moments. like when the tow-truck driver tells me he cannot get my car out of the drive-way until 7am tomorrow morning. or when my boss tells me that another girl cannot work and i need to cover her shift. or when everything gets pushed back a week and i still do not have enough time, especially without a working car.
i am calling him while he is at work and sobbing down the phone line. i am sobbing about how this is the worst time this could have happened and how i just don’t have the money and how we’ll have to postpone my birthday trip and he consoles me with soft words and ‘i wish i could be there’s and then i feel terrible for starting in the first place.
i am restless. i have no means of getting anywhere and i am jittery, walking around the perimeter of this apartment with my hands glued to walls as though if i press hard enough there might be an escape hatch. i am needing to ramble and pour all of these feelings and thoughts an fears out of me onto blank canvas, onto gloss photo paper but the lighting is terrible and it feels as though this is all a metaphor for my life right now.
i feel like going around this apartment with a ballpoint pen and writing haikus in random places on the walls.
scars road maps on skin
my fingers trace over them
perhaps a dead end
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“i am sobbing…he consoles me with soft words and ‘i wish i could be there’s and then i feel terrible for starting in the first place.”yes. i know this.&i love you.&i write haikus on my closet walls on late, sleepless nights.love,laura
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i used to write poems underneath scraps of wallpaper in the bathroom, just to see if anyone would notice.
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thanks kim! i never liked rhyming poetry either until it became the only thing to come pouring from my pen. i know the jittery feeling – i leave for college in two days, and i’m going out of my mind. much love,
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i feel as though i’m breaking myself too.nothing but me is causing this.when i was working,i used to carry a pen and post-its around me,so i could write in dark closets or backrooms.xxx
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this feeling is so familiar.i am in the middle of experiencing it with mymouth ajar because, well i-i have not remembered to close it yet.ryn: perhaps in a daydream I shall share a glass or two of merlot with you over a cigarette or two, (even though I prefer the smell of cigars)and perhaps we can stretch a tune or two over a pair of acoustic guitars. jo. <3
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i think haikus should be in random places. especially haikus like that. much love.
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I simply cannot believe the trouble you are having with your car. I guess that’s what comes with old ones though, I went through it myself. Hope tomorrow is a better day 🙂 RYN: Sure thing, I’ll let them know
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despite the fact that this was melancholic, you represent your sadness in the most dignified way with your writing skills. go you.
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i have so many things written on my walls i always wondered what next people to live here will think in ian and my apartment, we got paint all over the brick walls and the carpet and the window seat i wonder what the new tenants would think of us? do it. wondering will keep you from dreaming.
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I do that sometimes.
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our scars are never dead ends,just reminders of places we’ve grown up from since then.you’ll be all right, darling.i love you.
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The things we do to ourselves.
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i really like her velvet rope album.surprisingly it has some good songs on it.xxx
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who was i before? tough question, id like to think i was a better person, perhaps im a better person now. heartbroken and worn down, but in pursuit of happiness nonetheless. seems that sometimes happiness is too much to ask though. sort it out sash!
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kimmy! let me come over next summer!!! please please please! we’ll cuddle & write poems and smoke cigarettes and stare at boys w/ messy hair & sad, sad eyes. ♥
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You’re a pretty damn good storyteller yourself.
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<3
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a dead end leading to more dead ends. isn’t that a crazy feeling. it’s like you did the best you could, the worst you could and it still didn’t work.
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your words are beautiful. i’m sorry you feel this was though. -hugs-
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i have missed you. its been a while. i hope everything is alright. i know you have been busy. with luke. and school. and work. and you sound stressed here. just know that i think of you often. and its always good thoughts. take care of yourself always darling. you always have a friend in me. ;;
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& I hope things are much calmer now in the world. sometimes, life should be calm. and everything breaking down? yeah, that happens to everyone on the days that you wish you were still sleeping. sometimes life is just eurgh.xo
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