optimistic.

1. i have lost the words that once used to keep me sane. i cannot find the metaphors. i can find the beauty, but that is all. that is all.
2. at a wedding yesterday i realised just how much i want to marry him right now. right this instant. i do not know if i can wait a year to marry him. yesterday made me realise just how happy he makes me. i do not think i could ever feel this type of happiness anywhere or with anyone else.
3. i spend every second thinking of you. even when you are right next to me.
4. mrs henderson presents is such a beautiful movie. judy dench is fabulous. watch it.
5. i have had four breakdowns in the past three weeks. i have been unstable. but my feet are planted firmly.
6. i need to learn to not hold on so tight.
7. i also need to go clothes shopping.
8. something inside me has disappeared. some connection to this place. i have lost something here and i am not sure if it can ever be regained. this place is my words, and only my words. and now that i do not have them. this place feels empty. and i am almost certain that the poetry was the only reason people read this diary. it is not because of me. i am coming to the realisation that maybe my poetry really isn’t worth anything.
9. i do not know if i have it in me anymore.

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April 16, 2006

1. i feel the same way.2. you being happy makes me happy. i’m happy for you, love.3. i’m that way about ryan right now and it’s a beautiful feeling.6. amen.8. that’s how i feel, too. i haven’t written much worth reading in a while and my notes seem directly proportional to how beautiful my words are. i’m still here for you, though; i’ve always been here for kim, not for kims words.

April 16, 2006

i’ve lost whatever i had too. i come back to read but for the most part when i stopped writing people stopped visiting my diary. i’m beginning to wonder if i will ever get my words back. xxx;;

April 16, 2006

well I just started reading you. so i missed all the poetry. but I find you interessting just the same. Bethany

Ooh how I’ve missed you. Sometimes .. I just hold on tighter. -Sinless Silhouette

April 16, 2006

It seems like the best have all disappeared, nearly simultaneouslyWhich makes it hard for us all to come back.A visit every now and then is not enough to keep it alive.The good old days, no?But dear, your words are still some of my very favouritesBecause your honesty is worth so much more than so many other people.I’m so glad you’re happylove

April 16, 2006

i miss you when you’re gonenot simply your wordsbut youi wish we can meet one dayso i could smell your smile.

April 16, 2006

that’s bullsh_t.people come here to read you,all of you.your words,what you feel,what you’ve done and what you want to do.your words are worth a lot,i firmly believe that.and you need to as well.xxx ps: i’ll watch mrs henderson

April 16, 2006

isnt your poetry you, in a sense anyhow?

April 16, 2006

I saw the trailor for that the other night. Honestly, that old woman saying, “Isn’t that delecious?” really creeped me out for some reason.I enjoy your poetry, but I also like the direct approach of you just writing about you.

April 16, 2006

I’d like to get married right now, too. 🙂 Here’s to speeding up the process.

April 17, 2006

no. 8 is a bunch of crap, and we all know it.do you have a date set yet?I don’t write much anymore. at all. but whatever.xo

April 17, 2006

trust me, i’d give anything, ****ing anything, to have someone like you holding onto me these days.

April 18, 2006

i know that desire to be with someone now.even when they’re not going anywhere,it’s like you need to wrap yourself up in them.xxx

April 18, 2006

ryn//thank you for saying that.

April 19, 2006

thanks, love.he and i were both giddy all day.hell, we’re both still giddy all day.i can’t stop smilingand the sun seems a little brighter.he’s teaching me to have faith in tomorrow; not that it will be better, but that it will be just as good. =)laura

April 19, 2006

we’re never really alone. i wish i could feel that way more often. as long as the plane doesn’t crash,i think i’ll be safe 🙂 xxx

April 19, 2006

If I get the chance to see it I will.

April 19, 2006

If I’d only been here for your poetry I wouldn’t have bothered reading, noting or keeping you on my list for all this time. The best entries are the ones where I read about Kim. No matter what form it’s in. Love,

April 22, 2006

You can hate, me if you want. A shocking number of people (especially women) do, apparently.

April 23, 2006

I hope that one day I too can feel that way about someone. I think (no, I’m certain) that metaphors and similies and clever allegories come in ebbs and flows like the tide. They’ll be back, they just took a back seat for a while. x

June 7, 2006

I think the frustration with writing is shared by all writers at various times and ironically, the only cure for it is writing about it…