The Story of S.H.A.D.O.W and A.C.E
I need to vent..I need to put my thoughts to words..but for me to..I need to tell a story so people aren’t so lost..and I know I can write it here because..she will never see these words..
Eight years ago..I was attending High school in AZ…I was your typical ROTC/Marching band kid..I was an outcast out side of my two groups of rotzi nazi’s and band geeks..I hung out with 2 different groups of people on my lunch period.. my large group..and my small 4 total people (including me) group. Well in my small group there was a girl..I liked her the second I met her because we could agree about alot of things..she was in my ROTC class..but on a different platoon..her taste in music (coheed and cambria yes i know the spellings off but I am too tired to care..you know the band) wasn’t exactly like mine..but aligned enough to give us some conversation..she was a alternative type girl I was a goth..we both didnt care who the popular people were we both did our own thing…it was a good friendship..well one day something happened and I left the little group for about two weeks..one day I had an urge to write her a note..and I left a rose with that note for her..I told her that I was sorry for what happened and we became close..because we didnt want our other friends to know what we were writing we came up with nick names..She was my Ace..I was her Shadow..after that we got close..it was wonderful..I was happy she was happy..we had all kinds of inside jokes..both dirty and clean ones..she came to me about everything and thats when I swore to her I would always be her shadow..her friend her guardian..her big brother..her sword and shield.. and that would never ever change on my end..till the day I died..and that was and is my oath to her….I watched over her..I was her shoulder.. I was her guardian…she was my confidant.. Well..then my mother died and I had lost all my friends..all the people who said they were here for me..she didn’t abandon me..she loved me..(as a friend or as something else I did not know..nor did I care..I had my Ace still)she kept me alive when I had lost hope…and we lost contact for a bit and one day she messaged me and we got back in touch..we were just as close..so we tried long distance dating..which was not what I had dreamed of ….but I could call her mine..so I was happy..we developed problems..but we remained close after the break up..and I was kick to the streets by my grandparents..we lost contact again..I tried like crazy to find her..and well I did..and it was like we never were apart..Of course now she was with a guy..and was preggo..she loved him and I had no problem with it..almost a year and a half ago ..she told me that our closeness was ruining her relationship and she thought I was trying to break them up..she told me she wanted me gone..I kept my oath and let her break it off without fighting because I told her I would always do what she asked of me..I was upset when she told me to stay away from her and never talk to her again..I sat in my truck and cried that day..I felt like some one had taken my arm and ripped it off and beat me to death..I wasnt right for a few days..a person who knew my darkest secrets some one who I always knew would make me smile no matter how bad my day was..some one who truly cared who had my heart had just accused me of making her life a living hell and attempting to ruin her..I eventually moved forward and kept living..I always thought of her and wondered if she was happier without me..I wondered if her husband appreciated the girl he had..Well a little over a week ago give or take..she messaged me..she told me that he had abandoned her and his child for another girl..and told me she was sorry for what all had happened..I was elated..I had my Ace back..well..i thought at least..I attempted to be my old self..only to be told that she had been too betrayed to be that open again…our old jokes..gone..at that point I realized my Ace was dead..but yet I was still her Shadow..as I will always be her Shadow..it still hurts..because some one i was so fucking close with..holds me now at arms length..with no hope of anything changing..and yet I will always be open for her..she has my heart..not in a romantic way..but in the loving way of old friends..that understood each other for the longest time…who could look at each other and know instantly if something was wrong..all these years..
Today I was driving home from work and I was thinking of the whole situation with her and I, I paid heavy attention to our nicknames and realized something that I laughed out loud to my self about..our nicknames..were acronyms..fitting us in our own way..but still fit..
A: Always
C: Consider
E: Everything
I always told her too look at the whole picture to take into consideration of the whole situation..
S: Shall
H: He
A: Always
D: Do
O: Only
W: Wrong
I have a habit of saying the right things in the wrong manner..or doing the wrong thing in the heat of the moment..especially when It comes to her..but its a conflicting situation..as much as it makes me seem like an idiot or a bad person just based off of the meaning I have drawn from Shadow..I cant help but realize that it’s fitting for me in life in some way I do something wrong..I am not mad about it..but it works and I am okay with that..
But yea…I said it to myself..Ace may be no longer but I will always be her Shadow..I will take a bullet for that girl..I will always be here for her..thick thin…nuclear war…the killing of cats (not literally the harming of 4 legged animals I promise..)no matter how much I have on my plate I’ll always have room on it for her..
Many of you might think that I am stupid for being here still..and that’s your opinion..I respect that and understand it..but I am someone who realized that I could be stripped of all of my friends..my things my abilities..and be left in this world with nothing (please note that this has in fact happened) and the only thing I would have left is my honor..and I will keep that honor..I may fuck up now and again but I will never let some one take my honor away from me..I refuse to..so no matter what I am still shadow..but I deeply miss my Ace..She is dead..but I am still shadow..and I am still here for you..
On another note..I get to talk to my surgeon tomorrow around 9 am..I hope its all good news..that the insurance will cover it..that my out time will be short and sweet and that I will be okay..I am nervous..I dont know what to expect.. my left bicep..is concave..I have a huge bulge on my left peck near my arm pit and a hard lump on the top of my shoulder..all this bs..from landing wrong.. -_- well I am going to bed..I need alot of sleep cause I keep getting tired up in the fish bowl at work. TTYL people
So i guess this is it for the night..if you’re new around here. Welcome to the world of Gareth aka me. It’s twisted…kinda insane..but its home. You’re welcome to look around, say what you want…do what you want..just realize, I am not perfect..I am not like you..or any one you will ever meet in more ways than 1. I am just me..take me…leave me..love me..hate me..I dont care..probably never will.
~*Sweet Nightmares*~,
Gareth