Silence..

Her breathing..and the fan..the only things in the night..My thoughts aren’t to noisy..but my worries are..all of them..When I go meet with my sgt. am I going to be showing signs of progress? If not how in the hell can I find a job? Is any of this even worth it?

Friggen Runescape is fudging up on me as usual…Dam this Dinosaur of a computer so I really shouldn’t be surprised.

I am so scatter brained right now..

I should go to bed..but I want to write not sure why..No one ever reads these things any more. Even though its my fault admittedly for stopping..all my old note people..I miss ya *insert feeble laugh here* Most of you had sense that I didn’t have.

I thought my life was going well when I worked for my last job..was making a contribution to the bills..the apartment..my cell phone..I couldn’t complain about much except for my hours at work

Gah I really need to change my profile picture..that thing is years old..wow its been years..over 3..holy $h1T thats scary..3 years collective of my thoughts..my emotions..the essence of me..thats a scary thing..I didnt think I would keep this thing past my mother’s death..but like most things..life tends to surprise you on almost about anything..and every thing…

Dont ever get cocky..dont ever think you got it down pat..cause you probably dont..nor will you..even if you make it big..or become rich or famous..you will never own life..you’re probably just getting a break

wait! let me guess..your thinking “oh no here come’s the downer” right?

Well quit being rude and interrupting me silly!

Now I will be the first to admit I have things good. I have and still continue to have good moments in my life, that is something I cannot deny but here i am sitting ( well laying out) on the floor of my studio apt..playing runescape..talking with clan members..and staying up to just ramble to the vasts random people on the interwebz..and worry about my weight/body fat. Just so i can go serve in the army..for a nation of people who dont give a rats bottom..I mean have any of you heard about the marine’s father who has to pay a church that went to his sons funeral to protest the war?

SERIOUSLY!

A church went to a Marine Corps funeral, carrying signs saying GOD HATES SOLDIERS, and GOD HATES AMERICA..and then went to court and now the father of that Marine has to pay over 90k worth of court costs just for that church..how fu#ked up is that?!

Now dont get me wrong. Yes I know alot of people “support our soldiers but not the war” Well I am sure the THOUGHT is appreciated. But do you go up to a soldier and thank him? Do you donate things to help soldiers?

I honestly prefer the one that just Supports the soldier..Screw the war..Just support the many people in uniform who wake up on a cot…thousands/millions of miles away from their kids..and wives and family..to a second family..where they cant walk out the door with out 30lbs of body armor..and a weapon, to fight an enemy who uses cowardly means to hurt them. Their never going to know when its going to be their last breath..the last time they say can hear their children or an I love you hun..and that random sniper or IED gets them…But yet they wake up..put on that armor put on that helmet grab their gun and walk out that tent door because they do it for their kids..their family..their spouse. then they come home to what? a bunch of people booing them for doing what they know needs to be done just so that one person in America saying GOD HATES SOLDIERS can just say it and not be shot? (even though some one should do it!)

Personally I cant wait till my day on those parade grounds. I cant wait to put that uniform on. I want to fight for my country and for whats left of the people closest to me. That will be a true honor.

If i could give the world..1 piece of advise..it would be one thing.

Never give up..NEVER, if you trip in the hallway. If you mess up at work or life just gets you down. If you get ridiculed by your boss your teacher your “friends” or get told “You cant do it your not strong/cool/smart/athletic(ect.) enough…look at them and say one thing. Fuck off, thats it just those 2 words..( if you can do it with out getting in trouble.)

You know why? Because you can.. you really can. if you dont believe me look at all my entries. I have gone through losing my mother..losing my family, losing EVERY THING and sleeping on a PARK BENCH. Being removed from my life my friends my school losing my chance for my diploma and becoming some half starved person in a park and I changed my life around, I have an apartment, I got my GED, I am going into the army (life long goal) I have the beginnings of a family. All because I NEVER gave up NEVER EVER! Even when I was alone on that bench in the middle of a phx az 120 degree night, I didnt let my self give up.

I didnt let them get to me. I didnt break I kept fighting and fighting and doing what I had to do and I did it. Yes it took patience, it took will, it took Blood and tears and pain and every ounce of my strength every thing i had ever learned from my childhood to do it. But I did it, I didnt do drugs, or sell drugs, I didnt steal, I didnt hurt others. I helped others..even when I had nothing, I gave..I helped, I showed compassion and I did it.

Yea..it took alot to keep fighting..I dont know how many nights I wanted to say fu#k it..I had lost all of it and had nothing to live for but I wasnt going to let my self go out any other way but fighting. Its been over 2 years since all that and I still feel the park bench under my back..the mental pain..the hunger..the anger i had, I still feel it all years later. But I can look at where I am at and know I did good. I completely changed my life around with out ever hurting some one else or giving up..and it makes me feel so proud of my ability..the fact that I could handle all of that and get where I am today..I can look over the the bed and see my future wife and smile..or talk to my best friend turned sister..I can make a call and talk to old friends and not for any reason and be okay..

Its not really a matter of strength..or toughness..its exactly what I said it is. Not giving up..even when balling my eyes out in a park alone in the middle of the night.

you can do it how ever you like, Pray to your gods..close your eyes and meditate..call a friend..write, sing, scream. Just dont ever give up or in. That’s all it takes.

(wow out of 30,000 char’s..i have 23,195 left)

So i guess this is it for the night..if you’re new around here. Welcome to the world of Gareth De Lionourt. It’s twisted…kinda insane..but its home. You’re welcome to look around, say what you want…do what you want..just realize, I am not perfect..I am not like you..or any one you will ever meet in more ways than 1. I am just me..take me…leave me..love me..hate me..I dont care..probably never will.

~*Sweet Nightmares*~,

GDL