humming.

I feel as I should start this with a disclaimer.

This is not an attack on neither Wesley, nor Kim. This is my journal, and I do not make anyone read, or not read this. I feel a need to write out exactly what happened from my side. I am not writing this for people to think badly of Wes, or for anyone to take a side on the issue or anything like that. I am also going to write the facts of what happened. It is hard to seperate assumptions, but it is something I am trying to do. So if you read this, also try not to assume things. I don’t want this to be gossip, and I know that I am putting my story out there, when both Wes and Kim are more private people, but I am not. I am loud, I don’t like misunderstandings because things where not said, and again, this is my journal, if they are reading it, they came here to read up on me, I am not forcing this on anyone.

This is not the entire story of me and wes, that would take to much time, and for those that have had the fortune or misfortune of listeing to me in one of my wesley rants know that I could talk for days about all the things–good and bad– that happened between us. Here I am only writing what happened from when Wesley got my car, up to nowish.

Some time in the december/end of novmeber my parents made the decision that if Wes was going to buy my car anyways, and I was paying for the insurance and the car was just sitting out there, that Wes should take the car, so that I wouldn’t drive him around so much. And that is what happened. Wes took the car, and no longer needed me to drive him places. He started acting differently towards me around this time, being more aggressive, telling me to shut up if I was saying anything that he felt was irrelevant, and just in general his behavior changed alot. I had the suspicion that he had a crush on someone around the middle of january, and a mutual friend confirmed such suspicion. Later I saw him interact with Kim at party at the No Joe’s. At that moment I knew he liked her, and I was pretty sure she liked him…but I was not sure.

Wesley and I had been having sex since march 1st of 2004. There had been intervals of a few days here and there when we had said (or when one of us) wanted to stop. These intervals never lasted long, the longest they lasted was when Wesley went to New Mexico for the summer, but the night he got back we drove out into the country and had sex yet again.

A day or two after I had seen the above mentioned interaction I told Wesley that I knew he had a crush on Kim, more was said, but that is irrelevant, enough is to say that he was shocked and he admitted to his crush. It is in fact not the first time that I have been able to tell when he has a crush on someone, or other such things. I guess it just comes with knowing him. He said he didn’t think anything would come of it. We kept having sex. One night at the No Joe serval people where watching a Freddie Cruger movie, Wesley and Kim where both there, and at one point they started flirting. I felt horrible. I felt foolish, used, and angry. Yes, Wesley and I where not dating, and hadn’t been dating for a long time, but we still acted as a couple, the only real thing that had changed was that we did not kiss in public anymore.

I was reaching the point of histeria when Patrick asked if anyone wanted to go with him to Solidarity, I jumped at the oportunity, and ran out the door. Wesley called my cellphone, but it was dead, but he wanted to talk.

When I talked to Wesley I asked him to at least have the cortesy to keep his hands off of me if he was going to persue another girl, and that it really hurt me what he had done. Here we come to a point where tehre is a misunderstaing. I don’t know if I asked Wesley not to do it anymore, or if he said he wouldn’t do that anymore. I assumed that he meant he was no longer going to flirt with Kim. Again that night we had sex.

I felt bad later , and 3 days later went to talk to him, to say that I felt bad about asking him not to try to get with Kim. I told him that if he really wanted to perssue something with her, I would try not to stand in the way. He said that he already knew that, and that he was already perssuing Kim, that they had spent the night together at the house that him and I house sat for regularly, a house that was our sanctuary when we where hiding from parts of the world. They had rented Donnie Darko the Director’s Cut and cuddled all night long.

He said that what he meant by not doing that anylonger, he meant that he was not going to flirt with her infront of me. I am not sure how he thought this was going to help, because what hurt me was not the seeing of the flirting, but knowing that it was happeing.

I was furios. He had repeadedly refused to watch that movie with me, to the point of threating to fisically leave the house if I was to try to make him watch it. Also he rented it with my account that I had just had added him to at Miracle Video. That is the only film he ever rented under that account.

He was hugging me as I sat there cryinmg, when I realized he was sorry that he hurt me, but he was not sorry about what he had done. I ran from the house, and called a friend crying.

The next day I had decided that if that was the route he was chossing I could not be his friend for the time being, that it was to hurtful for me to swallow up all my feelings yet again and just allow him to move on. I told him about my decision. He sat with me while I cried for a really long time, and he said to me that if this meant that much to me, and if it hurt me that badly that he would choose to stay my friend than to get with Kim. Yet everytime I started to calm down, and I would apologize for making him make that decision he would say something to the effect ‘ I was hoping you’d forget about that.” I feel like he wanted me to just be able to accept his thing with Kim, and for me to continue to be his friend, but I needed time. I was so cushed by everything.We still drove to school together, and for two weeks I only saw him those days. At the end of two weeks I had had enough. I just wanted my friend back. This man was my home. I called Kim, and apologized for my behavior, and asked to talk to her. I told her that I did not want to villinaze Wesley, that there was a lot going in between us and that I just wanted to be ok with her. She said that she felt she wouldn’t benefit from that conversation and that this was only a small inconvience to her, and that she wanted nothing to do with it. I told her that I was sorry she felt that way, but that if she ever wanted to talk, or to ask em anything that I would be there to talk, and I told her of multiple people that had my phone, in case she ever wanted to call me.

I talked to Wesley next, and we sort of came to an agreement. Understad that this was a while ago, and so part are fuzzy and other parts are crsital clear. In our agreement was more sort of a peace thing, where we where kid of ok with one another. I remember pushing constantly for Wesley to tell Kim about him and I having had sex two days before they spent the night together. I felt like he owed me that, and owed her that.I remember fighting with him a lot during this period of time. More like there was a broken damn inside of me and everything that Wes had done wrong came pouring out. Slowly we decided that there where things that we better should not talk aboutI only ran into We

sley and Kim once before encore, and it seemed ok. I started fainting, and being sick around this time.

Someone mentioned that I might be pregnant and that scared me. The next day was when everyone left for encore,I was supreamly mad, wesley wanted it hushed up, and although he had refused to go to the house we house sat for earlier that day, he suggested that we go there to take a pregnacy test.When we got there I was dizzy and he sat me in the living room, I took the test, and sat in the bedroom while it developed. There I saw a crumpled up blanket that had not been there 2 days before. I asked him if he had spent the night there, and had to leave the room when he said yes. We had watched a movie there two days before and althought we where freezing he had refused to go get a blanket, or allow me to get a blanket.I wandered around the living room untill the time was up, went and the test was negative. I sat down in the dinning room, crying, frustrated. He asked me if I needed to be alone, or if I needed company. I asked him if Kim had spent the night with him. He said yes, and I told him that he had to get the fuck away from me.He later told me that they had had sex that night, in our bed. I started creaming into the empty house. He was at the other end, and I am not sure if he heard what I was saying. I went into the bedroom after a while, and started screaming at him, I was furios. I called him all kind of things, and cried the entrie time. I endeed up collapsing from the anger, and because he screamed something at me. I just couldn’t do anything. Somehow he ended up huggin me on the floor. We eventually left the house, I fainted as he hugged me goodbye, and he decided to drive me home. He then walked home himself. I asked him to please never take Kim to that house again.

The next day was FNB, I called vanessa and asked her to tell Patrick and Lexy. Wesley didn’t want to tell anyone untill it was confirmed by a doctor. I wanted to tell everyone. Kim called the house while we cooked, and Wes answered. I left the room ans sat crying by the porch. I was trerrified. No matter what this was something I was going to go through alone.Wes came out and asked if I was ok. I was not. I tried to expalin.

I told him he had to tell Kim. He said he would, but he wanted it confirmed by a doctor. Tuesday I went to the health center and they confirmed it. That night he told Kim, but Kim said that she already knew, that V had told her. She seemed ok with it, and they spent the night together. I do not know what the nature of that night was, and I realize it sounds sexual, so, one more disclamimer, I do not know what happened that night.

Friday Adam came into town, and he and Wes went out drinking. Later that night, drunk and more elocuent, or more free with his feelings, Wesley apologized, and we talked until 4 am. He said that he was not over me, and not over everything that had happened between us, and I asked how could he have moved on if he was not over it. I told him that it was hard for me, because I had a life inside of me, and I still had feeling for him, and everything seemed so messed up. Things where so unfinished between us. He said that this finally showed him what it felt to break someone’s heart. That he had never been on this side of the coin. He still wanted to stay with Kim, for him it was very important, althought it wasnt very formal.

We slept next to each other for a few hours and I went to work. I cam back around 10 am, crying my head off, I had fainted at work and I was so scared. No one was at my house and I didn’t know where else to go to. Wes left me around 3 pm, sleeping. I asked him not to let the world forget me. I felt somewhat abanoned.

That night Kim broke things up with Wes. From what Wes has told me things were not that serouse and she broke things with him because he was going to be a father. Wesley told her that we where a package deal, and she was frustrrated with him for that.

Wesley called me and asked to take some time away from me. That lasted less than 24 hours. I ran into him at solidarity, and refused to answer him when he said Hi to me, and then he asked me why I wasn’t talking to him, I said it was because that is what he had asked me to do. We talked and things seemed to be better.

Slowly we started spending more and more time together, and we started having sex again about a week after him and kim broke things off. We called it our vacation. In a heated passion, we agreed that our sleeping together didn’t mean anything romantic, that it was simple and that it meant that we still had affection for each other, but again nothing romantic. We also agreed that we where going to be compleatly open and honest with each other about other people we grew interested in, and that we where going to be compleatly honest and open to peole we where to get involved weith about each other. During this time, I started getting worse. Sicker, and sicker. I hadn’t decided what to do, if to keep it, or not. Wes was pushing for an abortion, because he said he didn’t feel prepared for a child. Wes was also very preocupied with Kim. He had found out that she still liked him, and he really wanted to get back with her, althought he had agreed with me that at this time it was a bad idea, and that although in the future he would be able to have something pure and clean with her, that at the moment things were to screwed up between us for him to be able to offer her thant right now.

We had sex almost every day for a week and a half, untill one day I asked to clarify our intitial agreement, and he said ‘whatever.’ I asked to talk to him, and asked him what he wanted with me, he said he wanted to be my best friend. I was ok with that, and I knew him and Kim where talking again. I expresed frustrationa dna nger toward her, because serval people had come and told me horrible things that suposedly she had been saying about me. Bid assumtions. I felt threatened and cornered, and I didn’t understand why she was acting like this towards me but being very friendly towards wes.

We decided not to be lovers yet again, and I drove him home. The next day he went and talked to her. I was against it, because I was sure that Kim was not going to bad mouth me to him, specially if she didn’t want to loose him. I didn’t want him involved, but he felt that he had to clarify things with her. When he came back he said that things had gone alright and that she didn’t think I was faking my pregnancy. He said nothign else, and I asked him if they had made out. He said it was none of my business, that they hadn’t, but that it was none of my bussiness.

I had gone to the doctor that day, and I was told that I was probably not going to be able to keep my baby, that the choice was no longer mine. There was a 90% propability of misscarrige.

I am alsmot sure that this is the day that Wes and Kim started seeing each otehr again, but, again, that is an assumption.

The next morning I wrote Kim an email.

Belinda Kay Peñaloza Sloop

to kscoughlin

Mar 3

Kim.

I have no idea why everything is so fucked up. I am sick of hearing what people say you have said of me, and I am trying to be understanding of you not wanting to talk to me.

Until Wesley decides otherwise, I am part of his life, and until he decides other wise you are part of his life too. By default you and me are part of each other’s lives. This migh

t just be a small inconvenience to you, but for me nothing will ever be resolved until you stop ignoring my existence. I am here to stay, just as much as you are.

For me it was never about you, you were not the problem, however being in Wesley’s life(specially if you are seeing him) makes you involved in it.

I have more to say, and I am sure you do too, but until you are willing to fix shit up, I will try my best not to communicate with you.

Sincerely

Belinda

and I worte wesley

subject: I don’t know if I will see you today. Or if I will be able to say this to you.

Belinda Kay Peñaloza Sloop

to Wesley, Wesley

More options Mar 3

I am mad.

Duh, when am I not lately.

I am writing this because you are not home, I have no idea where you are, and althought I can have my fucking, damned suspicions…that is all that they are.

This is the problem.

You are pursuing Kim. I am going through the worst thing that has ever fucking happend to me, and you are already re uniting your self with Kim. Why is this bad? Because it feels that you waitied exactly until you knew that I was not going to keep our baby to go back to her. Did you call her? was it on tuseday, or wednesday? I feel betrayed! Yes, you can say that it is not like that, but you, yourself told me that the biggest reason she didn’t want to be with you was that you where going to have a baby! That and the fact that you and I are a package deal. She want you, she wants me not to be part of the picture, and she only want you if it is all simple and clean, and ok. No baby, No fucked up ex. You can’t give her that right now. There was a baby, there was never no baby. Unless you are willing to cut me out of your life for good. I am not going to cut you out of my life. I don’t want that. For me that is not a fucking solution.

And well, there is the fact that she can’t even acknowlege my life. What are you going to do? It used to be that when you had a new girl, you hung out with her some, and I hung out with thte both of you some more, and other time it was just you and me.

What are you going to do now? Hang out with her more and more until I am no longer part of your life? Are you, as my best friend, leave me to rot in my misery of all this shit that is going on.

I wish you hadn’t talked to her last night, because I was afraid that she was just going to put a good face on all this shit and I knew that you would be ok with her no matter what. Wesley, I don’t belive she is a bad person, however human being can be assholes to the people we dislike. Well, we both know she dislikes me. Tell me she will not feel jelouse any time you are hanging out with me. Tell me that you will tell her that we slept together as we had inisially agreed upon and it was nothing but pure and simple acknolegdement from both our parts that we love each other.(Not that we are in love.) Tell me that you are not just going to try and pursue her, be with her, and still be there for me in my hour of need, tell me you are not just going to wait untill all of this works out on its own. We know where that left us before. Tell me if you are not going to be jelouse when she goes to Oklahoma, that you will be ok with just seeing her, and not dating.Or will she date both? Isn’t that kind of an open relationship?

You said last night that it was none of my bussiness if you guys make out or not, but you said you would tell me. We had agreed to be open and honest with each other about other people. Don’t tell me that you don’t want to hurt me, because that is shit. I know you don’t want to hurt me, but you are, and hiding this only hurts me more.

I thought you understood that right now you can’t have both things. You can’t have a relationship that you are getting over, and a new, clean start. I am not asking you to never talk to Kim right now, or to kick me out of your life. I am asking you to think things through. Maybe this being pregnant thing just postponed this fucked up shit. Things are not fixed, and I guess our vacation was just us ignoring all this fuckedupness.

I want to know what you think about all of this. I want to know what you are going to do.What are you going to say to me.

The worst part of this is that the other problem is that even if you don’t get with Kim, I know that you will eventaully fall for another girl.

I can ask you to stop falling for every girl you see, I know you don’t persue every girl you see, but I can almost feel you having romantic feelings for so may girls in our life. You liked Megan, from ghost ranch, didn’t you? And I could almost feel you having a little crush on Emily a while ago. Maybe this is all BS on my part, but who know.

If I have to go thought this with out you, that is just what I have to do. But if I go thought this and then you leave me, because you feel you have done what need to be done, then don’t bother.

Maybe this is all displaced anger. I am not sure. I am in pain, and althought I can’t do anything about all the other things going on, I can at least try to fix shit up with you.

I love you.

I just fucking do.

Belinda Kay

Wes came over to my house that day, and read the email, I asked him later if he thought it was all bullshit, or only mostly, he said only mostly, and that he was not pressuing anything with anyone right then. We lay on my bed, and I was going through a lot of fisical pain, my wob and abdomen fighting. He kissed me acouple of times in reasurance. The doctors had just told me that I might have seizures, cardiac arrest, diabeties, or just ahorrible, hirrible case of the flu…I am still hoping for the flu, diabties has been discounted, but the other two are still a possibility.

Thant night, wes and I made plans for me to come to his solidarity shift, and when I was about to head out, he called me and asked me not to go. I called him back adn asked him if the reason was becasue Kim was there. He said yes. I was angry because I felt like I was doign her a favor. I had made plans to go there, and just because I didnt want to make her unconfortable didn’t mean I should go…I didn’t go, but I did drive to the public library, and as I was driving back, I had another pain attack, I pulled over, and just let it ride me for a while. Later I noticed it was close to nine and called wesley to come see me. I didn’t know what else to do.

He came and hugged me as I was going thorugh all of this, and took me to emily’s house when I started feeling better.

On saturday , I felt weird, I spent the morning at wes’s, going into pain attacks, and reasuring wes that he didn’t make them worse. At one point, Kim called him, and they talked for 15 or 20 minutes, as I lay and cried on him bed. I wanted to leave, I felt confused and anrgy. He wanted me to stay, and he petted me and said over and over how things were so fucked up. We had a big fight over Kim. He said that she had never done anything to me,and I said that I had never done anything to her, and she refused to aknowlege my exsitance. I asked him about what had happened when they had talekd and he said that it was all between them, that he was not going to tell me anything.

I took him to catechism, and went to soildarity to look for books for a class. I talked to Kat and Vanessa about some of the things that where going on. They both gave me good advice and suggested that I re set boundaries with

Wesley.

During FNB I asked him to tlak to me. He said he had plans for later thant night, so we walked around the block. He held my hand, and I apologized for being crazy, and jelouse. I told him I didn’t wnat to be like this, and that I hoped we could come to colsure so we could both move on. I asked him again to be honest with me about realtionships he had with other people, and he said he couldn’t. He said that because he had an agreement with someone that he could not tell me about.

I said that I was not asking him to kick me or Kim about of his life, but that if he had somehting with someone that he had to think about things, that he had to consider what he was doing…he told me that I just then needed to take my time, becasue he wasn’t going to end whatever he had.

I screamed at him that I deserved better than that, and he told me to shut up and not speak to him.

I kept sreaming, I kept saying I deserve better, and I called him a piece of shit, anc a coward. He told me that I didnt know how to vbe a friend, and that it was me who was pushing him away.

Kim came up to the FNB table at that moment, and talked to wes real quick and then she left really quickly. I was tempted to go after her, but realized it wouldn’t do much good.

I ran into her at the joe hill, where I endeed up in jimmy’s room, adn crying for the entire night.

I know that I can never trust Wesley again, he will never be honest, or loyal to me. I feel that he lies to himself to be ok with what he does to other, and even in his relationship with Kim he is slef serving.

He left me at the point in time that I needed my best friend the most, when my health worsened, when I knew that I would not be able to even choose if I wanted to keep OUR child. I don’t feel like he took that life into account as a life, but when he knew that it wouldn’t become a life, he saw an oportunity.

He hurt me, and he knew that his actions hwere going to hurt me, he knew what a horrible state I was in, and decided to go ahead and do what he did anyway.

I was mad at people for not telling me that Wes and Kim where hooked up, or whatever the fuck they are, because I assumed that it was a big secret from me. Since wes had said that she had asked him not to tell me, I thought that the same request had been made to other people. Later I found out that this was not true and I want to apologize for the statmente I had made on my livejournal to the general population of people that knew. I do have issues with Kim, and I am not sure if tehy will ever be solved, but it is with Wesley that my real problem lies. Wesley broke and agreement we had made together, and he again decided that it was ok to hurt me.

I can never forgive him, because if I do I might let myself go back to the way things where. I am never carrying Wesley or anyone throught life again. If he drowns, he drowns, and if he fucks up, he fucks up.

I still love him.

And I hate him.

I hate hating him, because it means I still love him, and I no longer want to care for him at all.

I would love for him to change, to become a better person, to be able to be responible for things he ddoes,a nd to be able to deal with consecuences of the negative things he does, but at the moment I do not think it is possible, and I am not taking him back.

I also want to curse him, but since I belive in curses I won’t. I am just very hurt by him.

I hope that this is clear, I think I might have missed a couple of things, and althought there has been more things that have happened since, some are not up to me to tell.

I am doing better and I am doing worse.

but this entry is already too long.

Thanks for reading, if you got all the way through.