systems ready

It’s my senior year of college. I have an amazing schedule that I love… LOVE. I have phenomenal classes. I’m appreciated at work. All systems are pointed to go, and yet I feel completely lost.

There are so many factors to this emotion that I’m muddling through. Part of it has to do with the uncertainity of future that I’m facing. I’m not doing the typical, proactive Kate thing. Instead, I’m doing nothing.  Yes, I’ve talked about some tenative plans, but I haven’t even LOOKED into anything. That’s very not me. I have an idea or know where to go to find out information for every step of my life. I know what I want. I always have. How did I suddenly start to lose that sense?

Then there’s my personal relationships. All of my friends are so far away, and I’m so bad at keeping in touch. The sensible side of me says, “hey. call. dumbass.” But I don’t.  And the fact of the matter is, during my three years at UVM I have not formed ONE single long lasting let’s get together and hang out relationship at all. I have acquantances. But i don’t ever put myself out there to facilitate friendsip. Why don’t I! Why haven’t I ! I’m such a friendly caring person. I like talking to people, and I love my friends, so why haven’t I been able to form new friendships?

Then there’s Dave. I’m so confused about him. I live with him, and I just get so frustrated at him. I don’t know if it’s warranted or not. Am I unhappy with him or with myself? Am  I sacrificing things that I would normally be interested in doing because I want to be with him? Am i using him as a crutch?!

That’s not fair to him or myself.

So i’ve been thinking alot. Running the scenarios through my head. Obsessing over the smallest detail and avoiding the largest ones. I keep rerunning what my future will be like with different variables. I’m a living walking SPSS study. And still there’s no one answer. There’s not anything. I’m no longer being proactive. And I’m not sure I know how to start again.