Krys

Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

This entry is going to attempt to catch me up on this list thing, and cover recent events of my life. So, by the time I am done, I plan on having a few of the above aspects crossed off!

This past week has been an emotional Hell for me. Krys and I broke up. 3.5 years all gone. All the memories, emotions, feelings, everything- all gone; well not gone, just not the same. I’m still trying to figure out a way to say it all in a sentence to make sense, so for now I guess I’ll just have to go through everything; hopefully it’ll help me figure some things out as I write.

Like all relationships, ours wasn’t perfect, but all in all it was probably pretty good. We had so much in common: wanted similar things in and out of life, similar interests, etc. Essentially I can’t think of someone more perfect for me. But alas, I have to get in the way of things.

Lately, I have become really selfish. I don’t really know why. I’ve been going out with friends, doing my own thing and not really including Krys. To be fair, she is 3 hours away. However, I should have invited her up more, etc. I also questioned what should have been the solid base in our relationship. I was wondering if we were still compatible after 3 years together. We started dating when we were 21 so i just wondered if we were still the same ppl, and if not, if the new us still worked together. I found us questioning our relationship alot- whether it was working, etc. In the end, we always decided that it was good but for me, things never really went back to the fun times. I found it harder and harder to laugh after a while. I have potential reasons for this so I’m not sure if they were just excuses to not break up, or if they were legit reasons.

I also have alot of issues I need to work out. I have alot of pent up anger that I really need to release and get over. I have decided to take up meditation, so hopefully that helps. I also feel very uncertain about the future. Graduating with a BEd in May doesn’t guarantee me a job. I need to be able to move around to get experience to eventually get a job in an area that I actually want to live. Being in a committed relationship doesn’t help at all. However, by only looking out for my career, I am being 100% selfish.

I know Krys is not happy with this current situation. We broke up because of me. She still loves me and wants to be together, but obviously can’t be with me if I’m being so selfish. And I can’t be with her if I’m so selfish. I can’t realistically be with here until I know what I want and am comfortable with everything. I can’t put her through everything again until I work out my issues and my problems….and I have alot to figure out.

I wish I could take everything back and make everything perfect for Krys. She’s an amazing person and deserves everything. She is kind, loving, beautiful, gentle, calming, motivating, makes me want to be a better person, and so much more. But until I am happy with myself, I don’t think it’s fair to her if I am dragging her down. This week has not been a good one for me. I cried twice on Sunday b/c of this. I haven’t cried in years. I have not been happy, chipper, motivated, or willing to be in group settings. I just want to hide away in my room b/c I feel alone, like I’m in a fog, and not happy at all.

It’s only been 4 days, and I am going crazy without her. Last night is the first time in a long time that I fell asleep happy b/c I was imagining her beside me and me holding her. I just know that I have alot of things I need to work out before I can whole heartedly be with her again…so long as she’ll take me back. Something to work toward.