A Deceased Person with Whom I Want to Talk

Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

I really wish I could talk with my Nan. She passed away in May of 2006 and I don’t think I have ever really gotten over the loss. She really was that awe-inspiring person to me. She was born in the Depression, lived through WWII, and lived through everything up until 2006. She had 6 kids, a cheating husband, didn’t live a glamorous life, not wealthy by any means- yet she was always laughing, happy, smiling, and full of love. Regardless of what was happening, she stayed calm and had a story or lesson for any incident or problem. She was my rock and my political influence. I could talk to Nan about anything- not that I did, but I felt that if I really had a problem she was there for me and would understand. She was fiercely NDP and she is where I got my political views from.

When she was diagnosed with cancer and had surgery, she decided to not get chemo. She figured she was going to die anyway, so why prolong life when it was a lower quality. After he surgery, she wanted my Dad and us at her place since my Dad could make her laugh at anything- which would help ease her mind. She used humour to heal, stay healthy, and take on the world.

When I was in high school, I would take the bus to Toronto for a weekend just to visit her, get out of Clifford, see Toronto, and be with her. She was my saving grace and kept me sane throughout High School. When she visited us in Clifford, it was the best weeks of my life- of all of our lives. She just brought this aura of goodness with her.

Since her death in 2006, I have felt lost and alone. I lost my political rock, my model for good living, and my Nan. Everything that she represented is scattered on a beach in Wasaga Beach, as her ashes were scattered there. I still find myself lying in bed, sitting on the bus, walking around just wishing I could have one more conversation. Just one more story, one more lesson, one more weekend. I just want to be able to hear her voice once more.

Whenever I go to Toronto, I get a little sad. I have always associated her with the CN Tower. I think mainly because she lived in Toronto, and when I was young, the symbol of Toronto for me was the CN Tower, and still is to this day. When I see the CN Tower standing proudly and strong on Toronto’s waterfront, I feel my Nan. I feel her strength and compassion.

When she died, a part of me died. I have not been the same person since. I feel like I have been in a funk ever since- not as happy, not laughing like I used to, not joyous like I was. Much of my belief in God left when she died. It was more comforting for me to think of her as a spirit close by, then in a distant land called Heaven. But lately, I haven’t been able to feel her with me. Recently, I have felt more alone and scared of the world. I just want one more conversation, one more weekend, one more story. I want to hear her laugh again so I can laugh again. So I can feel comforted. So I can be happy again.