Looming Sunrise

I am not ready for tomorrow. I do not want tomorrow to start. My body manifests anxiety in the most annoying ways. I have acid reflux that I know is caused by nothing other than my unexplainable dread for tomorrow.

I had a plan and everything was fine. Then the plan got squashed by someone else’s mistake. I made new plans. I’m okay, everything is going to be okay, and I know this in my head, but I cannot feel it. I don’t know that I expected! I knew the semester was starting on tomorrow’s date – I’ve known it for months! I was planning on my new work schedules, and my one, fun class starting tomorrow, and they are! The only difference is that another class will start on Tuesday as well. Why do I feel so terrible? Why do I feel like this is a dream and it’s not really happening, or shouldn’t be happening? Am I supposed to be doing something else? Did I misinterpret things and am on the wrong path? No. I would have known, I would have felt something. I just don’t understand why I feel so wrong inside.

I asked one of my friends to go out tonight and do something, anything. I said I needed to do something on my last night of freedom. She said yes, but then time went by and restraunts started closing, and she confessed that she was exhausted. And rightfully so. She had a long and busy day. It’s not her fault that I did nearly nothing and have cabin fever.

So now I’m sitting at home, thoughtless as to how to expell any of these horrible feelings. Well, writing in here is helping some. Every action I think  of seems disatisfying. Even going out with my friend didn’t seem like the fix I needed. I don’t know what I need! I can’t even imagine what to do for myself at this moment to make any of this better.

I can pray. Praying will make it better but praying will make me cry and I don’t want to cry. I don’t want to cry about any of it, whatever ‘it’ even is.

Actually, I do know what I want. I want to run far away. I want to go somewhere else, be somewhere else.

"Far away, far away, I wanna go far away. To a new life on a new shoreline. Where the water is blue and the people are new. To another island in another life." – Ingrid Michaelson.