A Childless Time

Living back with my parents hasn’t been nearly as bad as I expected, but that’s mostly due to the fact that I’m away from home a lot. I really only see them in the later evening and the time gets consumed with eating, homework, showering, a little T.V, and some chatting with my mom, and then it’s time for bed.

School is going all right. Latin is fun and we’re all progressing cautiously as usual. It’s really fun having this class with the same people from the last two semesters. We’re fortunate that everyone in our  class is friendly and funny. My literature classes are going well, it’s just a lot of reading to keep up with. Piano is frustrating. It feels like all my knowledge about music counts for nothing and I have to start all over again from scratch.

Work is going well. I’m currrently sitting in the office with nothing to do. I only work ten hours a week in here so it’s a pretty cushy job.

I’ve started baby sitting for three kids in the afternoons three days a week. I’m enjoying myself. It’s such a nice change from the office. And these kids are so sweet and good. They’ve really never given me any trouble. They’re 6, 4, and 2, the two oldest are girls and youngest is a boy. Not only are they good kids, they are about the most adorable, cutest siblings I’ve ever seen. The 6 year old just started first grade and is miss little independence. The 2 year old is, well, 2 and pretty easy to entertain and take care of. The 4 year old seems to have attached herself to me the most. I can’t lie, these kids really have my heart. I feel the pull towards motherhood so strongly when I’m with them. I’m always thinking about what I would do (how I would handle various situations) if they were my kids, or hoping that my kids might be like them in this way or that, or wondering if I’ll be too strict or too leanient as a mother. I feel the need for that connection with a child, to take care of them and love them.

Today as I was walking on campus I was thinking about how I’m almost twenty four and I’m no closer to a relationship. Then I started thinking, ‘What if I never get married?’ And somewhere near the sadness of that thought came, ‘What if I never have children?’ And I considered adopting a child as a single woman. It’s such a tough decision. I’d want so badly for the child to have a father, but isn’t having one parent better than no parents at all?

I’m not in that position yet so there’s no need to stress about it now. But today was the first time I’d ever thought about that.