Living in London
So I’ve been here for about two weeks now. I’m having a great time, though our class is very busy. We’ve been to museums, plays, other near-by cities.
Transition…
Perspective is a funny thing. Today a couple other students from my class and myself had a short dishing session about our professor and his reputation of pursuing relationships with students. A few other stories were shared. A little while later I was alone with the female student who’d been in that conversation and we were talking about the politics and drama that always goes on in departments at colleges. We talked about profs and administrators always picking favorites and you just have to wait your turn till someone picks you. I remarked that in high school I didn’t have that "favorite" experience, but in college I did. I said, "but I was his favorite for other reasons…well, not those reasons..but kind of those reasons." I left it at that feeling like I’d already said too much.
I really didn’t have a "thing" with my professor, but for a long time I felt like that’s what was happening between us. And in a weird way, yes, that was happening between us, but it never came to anything. So even though the reality is I didn’t, when it gets talked about, I sympathize because I feel like I did. I can’t change the perspective I had on the situation for months. Getting closer and closer with him, him allowing us to get closer, trusting me, depending on me – I felt exactly like I was having a "thing" (or at least on route) with him.
I wish I could change my perspective. I wish I could feel like I didn’t have a "thing" because in a way I really didn’t. I guess it all depends on how you define it. I mean, if sex is the defining factor than no I didn’t. But that’s not how I define it.
Meeting all these new people on this trip, I don’t know, sometimes I feel like just saying it. I’ll probably never see most of these people again in my life. I don’t know why I have that strange impulse, especially since so few people know even in my circle of friends.
It’s useless to wish to change the past. If only I could change the affect the past still has on me now. It’s just this thing, like bagage I carry with me. Can’t I just drop it? But it feels so attached. I’m not holding on to it, it’s just there, stuck to me.
It’s too late for these thoughts. I leave for Dublin in the morning and true to my form I still haven’t packed.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought of you this month! can’t wait to hear all about London & your travels abroad. It does stink that certain experiences are forever apart of you even if you wish to erase them. At least you can use your experience to empathize with others. I’d say you definitely had a “thing” any type of relationship with a prof outside of student-teacher is a “thing”.
Warning Comment
Having had a similar “thing” with my favorite teacher in high school… Yeah, it’s hard to find people to tell, but sometimes it simply feels like lying to not mention it. Have an excellent trip, and don’t worry about others’ judgements. The moments that have led up to now… you cannot change them, simply reflect on them.
Warning Comment