Paranoia…

Paranoia it is what she says I have… so it’s official now… I am insane…

just had another depression attack again… why? well Remy said he would text me when he left work. Well he didn’t… so i texted him around half eight or something like that to check if he’s ok. He goes "yeah why?" i was like: "well thought you might have gotten hit by a car or lie in a ditch somewhere. i was worried cos i hadn’t heard from you and you said you’d text." him: "Oh I tend to forget things like that". Me: "What? To contact your girlfriend lol" Him: "No to contact people. I say i call x time but only remember hours later."

For some reason that really hurt me. I know it’s like TOTALLY stupid…. but i got so hurt… like… I am just "people"… am I not more important?

Yeah I know I cannot expect that he thinks about me all the time like I do of him but…. does he not think about me at all?!

Apparently not…. cos he just forgot i exist…

I know i am being a drama queen again but it felt like that….

Sadly and stupidly I didn’t keep my mouth shut which made it of course all lots worse again…. he was super sweet again and telling me he’s sorry and bla but here i sat crying again…

Why can I not just believe him???????????? That he likes me just for who I am?????????

I told my therapist on Monday and she told me to just stay with this feeling for two minutes… the feeling that he just likes me for who i am and nothing else…. it hurt so bad… my chest was burning up and tears ran down my face… i couldn’t do it… not even for two minutes… my mind was full of doubt….

Why am I so fucked up??????? Why???????

And you know what she said to me when I told her about my breakdown and that i reacted so odly to things he said? (As in that I took them so personal and thought it means he wants to leave me.) You know what she said????? She said: "Don’t say it."…. "Just keep it for yourself cos it’s nothing to do with him as you said… and just don’t say it."

Seriously????????? SERIOUSLY???? 70 Euro for DON’T SAY IT???????

I KNOW i am not bloody supposed to SAY it……. but I can’t help it!!!!!! I cannot help it and I cannot help the fear coming!!! THAT’S what I need her for…. to HELP me deal with the FEELINGS… to tell me how I can change… to tell me HOW to not say it…  not just to charge me 70 Euro and tell me: Don’t say it!!!!

Fuck that!!!! 

Now i am in tears again…. great therapist….

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July 29, 2009

im sorry you’re so hurt I think on some level i’d be hurt if my girlfriend acted in such way, but I try to lay off her back because it’s really nerve breaking to have someone checking on you because you missed something by minutes or hours… just try to lay off him but don’t let him be such a jerk to you

July 30, 2009

oh no! that is awful to be so upset. and it is hard to not blurt out a ton of stuff when your upset and its hard to trust some one but i have learned with boys that they seem to live moment to moment and you are more important than just ‘people’ if he thinks about it but in that moment he wasn’t thinking about anything he was just in his head going home for the day tra le la le la having now idea

July 30, 2009

you’d be so upset. If I were you I’d tell him your sorry for getting so upset but for you when he didnt txt you did worry & just for the future not to tell you he’d txt or call unless he knows he’ll remember because its not worth your stress or to know that if he doesn’t txt that your just going to txt him so you dont get worried and not to think your checking up on him ur just saving your sanity!

August 7, 2009

Even a good therapist can screw up with what she says, I think when you see her again tell her what she said to you about ‘not saying to him’ made you bit anger and upset, I would and have told people that I have gone to chat with this.. I don’t think he meant to make you worry or hurt you, maybe he just feels safe with how he feels about you and dosen’t feel the need to text all time