Working it Out

A couple of entries I wrote a really lengthy entry about a huge stress-point currently in my life. I read it later and decided that it was better left on private. In short, I’m having frequent bouts of anxiety with a whole lot of paranoia. Mixed in a with a healthy dose of extreme low self-esteem. I had a really long discussion with Sam last night after I pretty much ran out of my gourde. And by ‘really long discussion,’ I mean I cried a lot and tried to explain what was going on in my head but failed miserably.

Sam is surprisingly understanding of where I’m coming from. From what little I actually got across, he really understood what I was trying to say. And helped me to better understand what I’m really feeling. It was really therapeutic to work it all out. And to cry a lot.

He understands that about 98% of my problems are stemming from my incredibly low self esteem. He swears up and down that I have no reason to feel that way. But it is just something that I’ve always had. Never in my life have I ever felt attractive. Sam definitely makes me feel loved. But I have a very difficult time feeling attractive. I’ve had a lot of body image issues (who doesn’t?) while I was growing up. Weight is something that I have always struggled with. In addition to a few other things that I’m not too sure if I want to post about publicly. At least not yet.

And while I’m still incredibly insecure, and still pretty depressed (I’m pretty sure this is depression) I think this is going to work out. He supports me in ways that I can’t even describe. I’d be lost without him. And I know how lucky I am to have him in my life.

I also know that if we don’t work out, it is probably going to be entirely my own fault. (Hoping pretty hard that I don’t fuck it up though.) 

We talked again when he got home from work today, too.

Basically when it comes down to is that I’m going to have to balls up and talk this out with who really needs to get talked to. Nothing on that, now.

I don’t really know where we’re going right now. But it looks like we’re headed to a better place than I’ve been in for the past few weeks.

Plus it is Sam’s turn to bleach the fridge tonight.

ALW