notably daily

It’s been quite a while since I wrote here about a day in my life. I was reminded a couple of days ago, which reading through some old entries, that I used to do that quite often. it can be cathartic. and today was quite memorable, in several days, so here goes.

last night I stayed up most the night to write a term paper. I went to bed after 5 a.m., and the alarm started going off at 7 a.m. urgh. it was a horrible, nauseating drag to get out of bed. I literally felt sick to my stomach as I tried to get myself going. I never drink coffee first thing in the morning – it makes me sick – but I made some anyway and took it with me as I piled into the car.

I had a session with kate this morning. I usually see her on fridays or thursdays, but ended up with a tuesday this week. given that it’s an incredible stressful week, and I expected that I wouldn’t have much time for sleep, I came up with an idea ahead of time about how to spend our session. I have been bringing in my art to share with kate for months, but we hadn’t moved to doing any art together. I used to do such things with tina, and a little with katie, and I knew that kate loves art as much as I do. so I emailed kate, sharing my idea that we spend our time on just some form of art. I said I’d bring what I had, but be open to her ideas.

when I arrived this morning, I was still feeling nauseated, and I was starting to move into jittery from the coffee. I stood in the waiting room for several minutes, staring out the window and not bothering to sit down. when kate came to get me, I could tell she was excited – and I was also, although nervous.

we spoke briefly about my stress, lack of sleep, and papers left to write. but it was brief, and kate suggested we drop the topic quickly. she moved to asking me how I wanted to spend our session: what kind of art should we do? should we use an idea of mine or hers? should we work in the office, where we always spend our time, or in the play therapy room? kate knew that I worry about being overheard in this quiet office, and added that it is easier for others to overhear from the play therapy room.

I chose the play therapy room anyway. it bugs me that I only get to pass through the room, never get to pause or be in it, and I knew I’d feel more safe here if I felt more familiar with that adjacent room. standing in the play therapy room, kate rattled off a list of ideas, then tried to get me to choose something. I basicallly froze. I hadn’t been listening to half the list, I felt nervous and overwhelmed. kate tried again to get me to choose, then relented and suggested that we make a worry doll.

we settled on the floor with a range of colors of pipe cleaners and yarn. kate didn’t give me a whole lot of instruction, and I felt unfocused. she talked about some of the things that she had made, and decided to make a cat this time. she talked a bit about cats and a recent visit to cats, but I wasn’t completely listening. I chose the black pipe cleaner, aware that she was making note of my choice. I took my time twisting the pipe cleaners into the stick figure of a person. then I selected a light purple yarn to begin wrapping around the figure to make a shirt. I started at the hand, worked my way up the arm, and on down the second arm before returning to trunk. later, I added blue yarn down the legs for pants. I knew I was perseverating on the crotch area, intent on carefully and securely covering the black pipe cleaner “skin.” I didn’t know if kate noticed, and I didn’t think I wanted to clarify that to her. I really wanted to cover the pants with a skirt, therefore further covering the crotch area, but I decided not to be so obvious to kate.

I felt jittery and unfocused for a while as I worked on my figure, and I told kate that. we worked in silence, discussed random topics, and dipped briefly into more serious topics. near the end of our time, kate talked about the connection that we were experiencing. she said that it was new for her – that it wasn’t the usual emotional connection based on sharing deep and complex things verbally. she said it felt more like a friendship – that we were enjoying the connection of one another’s presence. she clarified her statement carefully – she didn’t mean to imply the boundary breakage that we are becoming friends, it was just the closest way she could find to explain it.

she noted that I had begun wrapping yarn around the skeleton at the hand, not at the head. she asked me why, and I didn’t know. she said that people ALWAYS wrap the head first, turning it into a face, and I was the first to skip it. after finishing the “clothes” of my doll, I sat holding it, staring through the empty head, wondering why I didn’t want to wrap it. I just knew I didn’t want to yet. my eyes threatened to overflow with tears. kate suggested that we leave it for now, think about the reasons why, and work on it more later. we could come up with different ways to make the face.

kate also asked why I had chosen black pipe cleaner to make the person. I only said that it was because the doll held all of the stress.

the worry doll is supposed to have a magical power. kate asked me what my person’s magical power would be, but I didn’t answer. I didn’t know. she talked about how her cat that she made would magically know when she needed comforting and come sit in her lap.

I’m still not sure what to make of the doll that I’m creating. I’m not sure that I like the doll, actually. I kind of want to just start over. wait – I think I just remembered. when I first started, and I chose the black pipe cleaner, it was because I wanted the doll to take all the bad. I wanted it to take all of the stress and worry and take it inside herself. I wanted her to hold all of the bad. that’s why her core is black. that’s why I resisted most of kate’s question: what to name the doll, what her magic was, where I wanted to keep her. that’s why I chose for kate to keep the doll all week, and not me take her home. she’s bad, and I didn’t want her. I still don’t know why I resisted making a face for her.

upon concluding our session, kate returned to her excitement over how well we had connected through art, and both of us expressed excitement for how we can continue to encorporate art. she noted that I had come close to tears – but still had never cried with her. it wasn’t safe enough yet. she noted that art brings out emotion, and specific forms of art – such as clay – elicit more than others. I agreed that I wanted to work on those things. we both have the goal for me to feel safe enough to cry.

as kate opened the door for me, we were still talking. I was in the doorway, and I realized that it didn’t seem I would get a hug from her tday. I didn’t want to ask, either. but she did stretch out her arms, inviting a hug, and gladly – I did. it was our third hug in three weeks. I love that we can hug now. I left smiling, and I felt like singing in the car – singing at the top of my lungs along with the peppiest or rockingest songs. so I did, while I drove to Grant’s house.

Grant and I went to a park today for another picnic. last week we ate first, then discussed things like scheduling and how we want to spend our time, and ran out of times to do any walking around. so today, we walked around first. there was a wheelcha

ir accessible trail that wound into the woods, following a stream. I led the way, with grant behind. he was going slowly, as usual, so I walked slowly. he went even slower, and I realized that we both just wanted our space. we both wanted to explore and just “be” in our own space. so I wandered at my own pace, and grant at his. it was amazingly peaceful. the path ended, maybe a mile into the woods, with a covered structure and some benches. a hiking path led in either direction, straight up the steep bluffs on both sides. we talked, laid out lunch, and as usual I was finished eating while grant had hardly taken a bite.

I expressed that I was itching to climb straight up the bluff – barefoot. grant gave me permission, so I set out his lunch and started for my hike. barefoot forced me to take great care in my steps, and I immediately realized that I wouldn’t even be able to make the hike with shoes on. the hill was so steep that I made every upward step sideways, so that the insole of my foot held into the soft ground. sneakers would have had to jab into the ground or else simply slide. I focused on where to place my feet, the differing feelings of things under my feet, the burning in my thighs as I climbed, my own changing breath, and the sounds I heard from these woods. I made it to the top of the hill, and was excited to see what was on the other side. I had invisioned another looming hill in the distance. instead, it was a road! literally, within feet of where I stood at the top of this incredible and steep climb, was a normal road with homes dotting it!

the climb down required just as much focus. I utilized fallen tree trunks several times, often employing a crab walk so that I wouldn’t fall off of the steep trunk. walking back to the car, I remained barefoot, enjoying the warm and cool of the ground and concrete and sun.

driving to campus for my late afternoon class, I started to feel myself slip into exhaustion once more. the coffee had worn off. we had a guest speaker in class today, whose lecture felt endlessly long as I visibly fought to stay awake. one of my friends expressed several times that he worries about me and how I’m losing sleep this week for homework.

I’m a little frustrated right now. I really wanted to take some time and capture some of the magic of my day, but I don’t feel like I did so very well. honestly, I’m slipping back into exhaustion. I wonder if I should go make a cup of coffee or just allow myself to slip into blissful sleep…