his first broken promise

the first boy I ever dated and the first boy I ever told about my past: he responded in an overly caring manner, and then decided he wanted to do something special for me. he said to just name it, and he would do it. I said I didn’t know, and I wanted to think about it first. he agreed to ask me about it later.

I went home, and I did think about it. I got out my little book – my little book of lists, quotes, poems, and thoughts, and I wrote down his words, followed by my well-thought answer:

what have you always wanted to do? just tell me and I will find a way. I don’t care what it is or how much it costs or how long it takes. I’ll do it.

I want to be somewhere beautiful and peaceful and quiet. I don’t care where it is or anything, I want you to find it and take me there. And then I just want to be there, with you. I want to feel pure. Pure because I am where I’ve always wanted to be with the person I love and who completely understands me. Pure completely even in my emotions. I want to feel so happy, with nothing weighing on my mind. I want to feel free, loved, and beautiful. That’s what I want to do, where I want to be, who I want to be.

the boy never brought up his promise again, and I never got the chance to tell him. a couple months ago, I laid in my bed at home, talking on the phone with andrew well into the night. I told him about this – this first time that I had ever confessed to a boyfriend. I told andrew about his promise, and how I had written down my answer but never got to tell him. andrew wanted to know what it was – he wanted to fulfill the promise for me. I got up to look for my little book, realized it was in my apartment, and told him I’d read it to him later. I never got the chance.

and so I don’t believe I’ve ever shared this with anyone, and I’m glad of that right now. I’m amazed, looking at it now, at the incredible insight that I had at the age of 16. I didn’t know much about God then, didn’t know a thing about feminism, hadn’t even heard of mindfulness. and yet, I had the incredible insight of all of these things. it’s as though they already existed inside of me; as if these philosophies were simply a part of my soul before I ever discovered or was taught them. even more – I was able to bring all of these philosophies together into a single narrative, a single desire, a single life-long goal.

I still want to share this with someone – “with the person I love.” I still believe that that person exists. but for now, I don’t have to wait for a boy to find and bring me to this place. that’s the part I had wrong back then. I can find that place all on my own, and find for myself that I can feel free, loved, and beautiful in a place that is beautiful, peaceful, and quiet. I can feel pure. God is a piece of this. mindfulness is part of this, because the practice builds the ability to be able to take myself to this place – be it in my mind or a physicial location. and feminism tells me that I can do this for myself, that I can experience all of these things completely.

I’m putting this page of my little book from years ago here in this journal because I want to remember it. it’s important. over time, I continually remember this – I remember the boy who made a promise that he never fulfilled, and I remember how seriously I took him, and how much thought I put into carefully crafting my answer. I can never remember what my answer was, though, and it’s a shame that I could have forgotten. I should always remember this promise and answer as a promise to myself.

I don’t care what it is or how much it costs or how long it takes. I’ll do it. I will always seek a place that is beautiful, peaceful, and quiet. the place that makes me pure. the place that makes me feel free, loved, and beautiful, as well as happy and without weight. I’ll seek to share it with the one person I love, whom understands me. and I’ll remember that this isn’t just where I want to be or what I want to do – it’s who I want to be.