and how are you?

I’m feeling overwhelmed. and instead of doing something about it, I’m just going to write for a while.

my schedule is insane. I’m a grad student, it’s expected, but I’m starting to realize that I’m taking on A LOT for a first year. especially compared to some of my classmates. granted, they come from all kinds of circumstances – second careers, married, kids – so I can’t really compare. somehow, several of them just aren’t working much. they don’t have to, I suppose. they’ve already got a little money, or a spouse to support them, or something.

some of them aren’t taking as many classes as the rest of us, and almost none of them are actively researching.

I’ve got four classes – one for every day, Monday through Thursday. I’m generally on campus until 7 or 8 at night. I work on campus, so I get there every day at 10, and I work all day until it’s time for classes or meetings. I love the people at my campus job. I started losing momentum for the work months ago. I always get done what needs to be done for the day, but beyond that I’m not as self-motivated as I once was. there are things that I know I could get done, but I just don’t.

so, three days a week, that’s my story: on campus at 10 a.m., work until it’s time for class, class lasts into the evening.

I’m also getting involved where I can. I joined a research group immediately; it meets every few weeks on wednesday before class. so far, it hasn’t been all that much work outside of the meetings. this semester I anticipate much more work. data input, submitting for conferences, planning presentations, possibly even preparing for publication. it’s not even a topic I really care about it, but the experience is good for me.

on thursdays before class, we have a meditation group. we’ve decided to go through training for mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR) – it’s a great movement in psychology. the “class” starts in three weeks and lasts for eight weeks. it will include daily homework assignements. the whole experience is great for me and could be a great foot in the door for this area of psychology. I have no idea how I’m going to make time for its requirements. tonight we had the brilliant idea to actually use this as a source of data – we could collect pre/post surveys on ourselves and whoever else goes through the training, and maybe we can put something together for a conference. great, awesome idea, huh? sure does sound good. where’s the time?

since we’re on the topic of research, I’ll move on to my research. michelle and I want to have a manuscript ready for publication by the end of this semester. then we found a conference to apply for, and we’re currently waiting to hear about acceptance. I’ve asked a peer to help me with the next step in the research, and I’ll need to find some time to train her to work with my data. first I’ll need to prepare so that I am capable of training her.

and now, my second job. two days a week with a disabled man who thinks that I am the superhero of his life. I’ve had heroes and mentors and people I look up to, but I hope I was never this draining on my heroes! this job has never gotten off the ground. I’ve been saying since I applied in september that things would look up soon. it took a month just to get officially hired. I was the first one to join the “team” that should form to support our young man with disabilities. the team leader was hired the same time as me. we hired a couple people, lost a couple people, and at this point we are worse off than when we started.

our disabled guy got ticked and fired the team leader last week. he asked that I be put in his place. but team leader is a full time job with many requirements – there’s no way I could do it. in the meantime, he insists that I be in charge of his schedule. apparently that means that when someone wants to schedule a time with him, they contact me. what the heck? did I ask for this? I don’t have the time to deal with this. if I am on the clock and with our disabled person, then yes – I’ll do whatever he wants me to do. it’s my job and I’m getting paid. but I don’t need to deal with phone calls and emails when I’m not on the clock. generally, I don’t even answer the phone when my client calls. he calls at times for no urgent purpose. while I understand how lonely he must be, I’m not going to waste my time on the phone with him. so I’ve been screening his calls for months. he always leaves a detailed message, so I always know if I need to call him back. he doesn’t seem hurt that I screen his calls, and I’m fairly honest about it.

I also see my therapist weekly. it’s getting complicated to fit her smoothly into my schedule, but it’s also starting to feel more important that I do. I’m looking forward to seeing her in the morning. actually, I’m starting to notice that our session is one of the few things in the week that I actually look forward to.

I don’t look forward to either of my jobs or my classes. I simply get out of bed when I have to, go through the motions in the morning, and show up. for class, there’s generally more anxiety involved (quizes, class discussions, lectures) in the anticipation. even weekends, which I look forward to as my only solace, aren’t actually enjoyable. I sleep way too much, and I still don’t want to crawl out of bed and DO anything.

and my classes! the reading is absolutely insane. there are literally hundreds of pages of reading assigned weekly. each class has varying amounts of projects that are going to start coming up.

and then there’s my social life. I only have a couple friends around here outside of the program, but it’s so hard to schedule them in. and there’s andrew. I haven’t seen him in a couple weeks, and I don’t know when I will. I actually hope I do get to see him soon – it would give me something to truly look forward to, and some insentive to get my work done.

that’s what I need – I need to somehow push myself harder. I need to somehow manage my time better than I have been. surely I can manage my time better so that I get things done AND still have the time to do the relaxing things. if I’m not dragging myself and wasting time, then I can truly be productive and get some “me” things in. I just don’t how to push myself any more than this.

I don’t think others are taking on as much as me. I know of no one with their own research project, and few first-years are even in research groups. what’s more, I’m looking at a possibility for a third research project. there are very, very few of us who will be going through the MBSR training. not everyone has four classes, not everyone works on campus, and not everyone has an outside job.

I think this is too much, but there is nothing to let go of. not the classes, because I have to take them. not the jobs, because I need them to pay for the classes. not my research – especially if we’re accepted to the conference. not the mindfulness training – because I do enjoy that time during the week (it’s just that now it’s going to require more). possibly the research group, since I don’t care about the topic anyway. but that group is so good for me – it’s automatic that I get to add these presentations to my own vita (it’s like an extended professional resume).

oh, and I am a chair in Psi Chi, which meets monthly. some of my frien

ds came up with a fundraiser, and I am helping – we sell food twice a week after class gets out. think about how THAT adds up.

also, some of my friends have decided to start a study group. we’re going to meet every sunday. I’m so glad to have friends, so glad to have people to rely on, so glad for the insentive to study. not happy at all about something being added to my blank weekend schedules.

who knew that it would take me only one semester to return to my over-committed self? surely none of my hanover professors would be surprised.