fairy tale reality

I’ve been thinking quite cynically the past few days. it all begins with andrew.

he’s so different from whom I hoped to end up with. not that I’m at the stage of “ending up” with andrew yet; we’re still quite the new couple. but he’s just so different. should I be ending things now, before they get serious, before I really do things I’ll regret? or should I accept that I really am the one that’s changing, and that it’s okay?

but how do I know? am I changing, or am I compromising what I truly believe? will I regret my choices later in life?

I pictured myself with a man that I knew could hardly possibly exist. I wanted someone who was patient and gentle enough to help me get through all of my sexual walls that I have built up. paradoxically – I want him to have the huge sex drive that I have once we do break through all of those issues and fears. I expected that if he wasn’t a virgin, he at least hadn’t slept around. I want someone who has faith in God – will go to church with me, will pray with me, will hold theological conversations/debates with me. paradoxically – I want him to be as cynical and liberal as I am on religious views. the bible might not mean what we are taught to think, and it might not be that Jesus is the absolute only way out of hell, etc. I want a man whose openmindedness and drive for adventure matches mine, taking both of down roads to try and explore new things together. I expected that the guy I would marry would love the concept of having children as much as me, would thrive on the independence of building your own family and home and life, would enjoy the small town life that I do. I hoped that he would be egalitarian, even feminist, at least in the home. I hoped that he would have a sense of taste and class – dress with care, drink wine, not smoke, not look to get drunk. I hoped that he would enjoy music and books as I do. I expected that he would exhibit passion in his life, just as do, and that he would rejoice over my successes. I expected that he would value my quiet personality, that he would require his alone time just as I do.

and maybe, following this list, I see that andrew isn’t so far away in all aspects. he has slept around – slept with 10 girls, three of which were one night stands. while he is incredibly supportive when it counts, I know he’s very impatient to have sex with me. his sex drive matches mine, likely surpasses it. he is agnostic – no church, no prayer. on top of that, he’s catholic! no way I’m having a catholic wedding or raising my kids catholic, but I haven’t told him that. he will hold debates with me, theological or not. he’s so incredibly intelligent. I haven’t found that his openmindedness and adventurousness matches mine, though I imagine that they could. he doesn’t like kids, and he is absolutely positive that he only wants two. I don’t care how many I have – as many as I have the time, energy, and money to support! I expect that if he doesn’t even like kids, he isn’t going to be very egalitarian in the home, and I know that will drive me nuts. I know he’s going to make me take care of the kids, and I know he doesn’t have a mind for housework. left up to him, it would simply go undone. at the same time, his OCD makes him quite particular about how the house SHOULD be cleaned. which to me, is recipe for abuse: if he expects me to do everything, and has a certain way it must be done, that sounds like something I can’t live with. andrew isn’t a small town man, he’s a city boy. he is quite independent, and he can do repairs – home, car, electronics. he does has a sense of taste and class – he dresses well, speaks well, drinks wine, etc. yet he has his “vices” – nicotine, caffeine, alcohol. I’m starting to wonder at just how much he depends on these vices. I’m so independent that I can’t allow myself to depend on such chemicals. he enjoys books almost as much as me, and music far more. he exudes passion, to the point of going overboard. I expect that his life will follow the pattern where his passion takes precedence over all else – he’ll forget obligations and promises because he’s too wrapped up in his music. I’ve been in that place, and I probably will be again, but I don’t expect that my life will always be that way. his probably will. it follows that andrew does require his alone time – probably more than I do. I’m not sure yet that he values my quiet nature.

one thing I didn’t think of before was mental illness. did I ever picture myself with someone who has a lifelong mental illness? I didn’t really consider it, but if I had, I probably would have thought I couldn’t handle that. I can handle that in my career, but I should be able to come home and leave my career at the office. not come home to more of the same – only my heart is painfully melted into it. I’m not sure what it’d be like to live a life with a bipolar. I don’t believe it’s impossible. I’d be a hypocrite if I didn’t think that andrew can manage his illness and live a largely healthy life. but I’m not so sure that he is right now. and I’m not so sure that I’m dealing with his moods effectively yet.

so. the past few days, I’ve been thinking. this guy I had created for myself, with all of these paradoxical qualities. either i was hoping for a male mirror of me – which would be absolutely creepy – or I was hoping for someone who can’t even exist.

I love fairy tales. I love children, and I love everything about their worlds. the stories they read, the games they play, the worlds they make up instantly for fun. I love the movies and books on fantasy worlds that are aimed at children. the concept of fairy tale is huge in my life. I actually believe in them. I believe that fairy tales can happen in real life. I believe in my happily ever after, my prince charming, I believe that good can triumph over evil in the end. I believe that those who seem weakest will find what they need to overcome. I believe that imagination is the magic of life.

and maybe, thinking that I would remain a virgin until marriage was part of that fairy tale dream. sure, it does happen. it happens for those conservative couple who happen to find each other and their Christian fairy tales do come true. but I stepped out of that circle. did I step into the real world? do I have to leave behind those fairy tale hopes that I had been taught or had created in my own child-like mind?

I can’t tell andrew that I’m not having sex until we’re married, and that we can’t get married for five years (minimum). when I tell him that, it’s over. he’ll leave me. do I really want to wait that long, anyway? no. I don’t. when I’m with him…..I REALLY don’t. I know I’m not ready yet, which means that so far that’s all I have to tell him. I’m not ready, I’ll need time. when I am more ready, I’ll need a better answer for myself: do I truly want to let go of that fairy tale idea of waiting until marriage? is it really okay to let go of that goal for myself? if things don’t work out, and I don’t marry andrew, will I be okay knowing that I gave my virginity to some other guy?

I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know.

I just watched a TV movie that I’d give anything to see again. I can’t find it anywhere online. It’s called Playing House. it’s about a 20something career woman who doesn’t really know who she is yet. she’s dating a jazz mus

ician. just as he leaves to go on tour, she realizes she’s pregnant. she goes to canada to visit family, her visa is revoked, and she’s trapped in canada and pregnant. her boyfriend leaves his band to come be with her. they have a beautiful pregnancy while stranded in the country – she does her work over the phone while he’s in the background vacuuming and turning the vacuum into an instrument. in another scene, both of them are on the bed, each has a stack of books. he taps her thigh, and she hands him the highlighter. he reaches for her plate of sandwiches, and she laughs, smacking his hand away and drawing the plate closer to herself. the idea of lying on the bed with stacks of books and only one highlighter sounds like what me and andrew could do. at the end of her pregnancy, he recreates the lights of new york in their barn, setting this fantastic romantic mood.

when she’s giving birth, he’s perfectly supportive. he tears up as he cuts the baby’s cord. when they take the baby home, they peer down at their baby, oogling over how adorable he is. she has to go finish a project, but she doesn’t want to leave the baby, and he tells her to hurry so she can come back and play with them. how sweet!! then the baby starts crying. and for weeks, that’s all he does. they’re going nuts. in one lovely scene, the dad uses his guitar to sing the baby a slow lullaby. he’s finally quiet! the mom walks in, and hooks her arm around him as he plays and sings. all three start to fall asleep in that blissful, beautiful moment. then she gets fired from her job, and she does go nuts; she spends weeks in bed, not moving or responding. he finally pulls her out of bed and gets her to talk, and she says she doesn’t know who she is and therefore can’t love him. he leaves.

she eventually gets her visa back, then her job back, and she’s happily back in new york. but she’s not happy – she realizes she does love him, and he is in fact the perfect guy she’s been hoping for all her life – he’s just different from what she expected. she runs to tell him that minutes before he leaves on tour, and the movie has the best concluding lines. I didn’t catch them all, but I did get: “okay, so maybe I don’t have the castle – yet. But I finally found my happy ending.” she says some more about what a mess it was getting here, but “that just makes it a thousand times better. the truth is happy endings do exist.”

sigh. she’s right. I don’t have to give up my belief in fairy tales and happy endings. what I do need to realize is the plot – fairy tale stories wouldn’t be stories if they didn’t have peril, problems, moments of hopelessness, unexpected twists and turns. I’m in the middle of the plot right now, and this is the part that makes for a good story. I don’t need to be unhappy because the happy ending isn’t here yet. it’ll get here with time. for now, I need to enjoy the adventure. I love stories more than anything, and I’m right in the middle of that right now.

I don’t know if I will love andrew, if I will someday marry him, or if I want to let him be the one to take my virginity. I don’t know the answers right now. but I can live out the questions until one day I notice that the answers are now right here beside me, quietly waiting to be noticed.