what I want what I need

I’ve forgotten now the original inspiration that brought me here to write. I paused to read the entries about Frank first.

I’m going on a date with Andrew this friday. I don’t believe that I’ve written about that here yet. I’ve known andrew for four years. I first got to know him at the same time that I was beginning to date ben – right around that first date with ben!

side track: that first date with ben was the best first date EVER. both sarah and paige were there helping me get ready, and were SO excited for me. paige was worried like a mother, and sarah was overly excited, as though a part of her was going with me. they watched from the windows as ben drove up, I got into the car, and we drove away. best of all, they were eagerly waiting for my return and insisted that I relay every detail upon my return.

for that date with ben, we drove to downtown louisville and ate in a wonderful restaurant, then went to the best play I have ever seen. it was called four hands, two pianos. it was a two-man show – brothers, pianists. they told the story of their lives, playing whatever characters were necessary and always encorporating the pianos. FANTASTIC! and to share that with ben, a pianist! oh, it was a lovely date.

anyway, back to andrew. I’ll go ahead and tell you the story of how I got to know andrew. hanover was putting on one of its first musicals – a blend of shakespeare plays written by a hanover professor. ben was put in charge of the band and putting it together. he selected me as the clarinet/recorder. (soon after, he asked me out.) andrew was playing guitar. during the night of dress rehearsal, andrew was quite obviously uncomfortable with his midievil costume. the “pit” area for our little band was off to one side of the stage. andrew ruitinely perched on the edge of the stage to play, while the rest of us were in orderly chairs. however, andrew’s costume resembled a short dress with leggings. he was very uncomfortable with appearing as though he were in a dress, and he was also uncomfortable trying to sit on the elevated stage without looking like he was flashing people.

I was observing him – he often errs on the side of arrogance, so I was very interested in his sudden severe self-consciousness. andrew caught me turned around in my seat, watching him on his perch, and accused me of looking up his “skirt.” I was incredibly embarrased to be accused of this in front of the band. later, andrew apologized over AIM. and that began a long friendship, almost entirely over AIM. he began asking me out immediately, and I refused. I was annoyed that he would ask me out when he knew I was dating ben. (he was probably aware at the time that ben was NOT considering our relationship exclusive, and I didn’t yet know this.)

early sophomore year, after ben broke up with me, I agreed to go hang out in andrew’s house on campus. it was clear that it was only as friends. we had been there a while, talking, when three girls stormed into the room. they were ticked, at least one was obviously psychotic (she had a row of safety pins stuck into her forearm), and they suggested I leave. I was terrified. I was scared to leave, scared to stay, scared to walk home alone in the dark. it was silly to get so scared, but it showed the very beginning roots of the horrible fears that ruled my life sophomore year. I was beginning my own downward spiral. for quite a while, andrew was associated with this fear. I didn’t agree to spend time with him again in person, though we continued to be flirtatious AIM friends.

by november, I was having terrible nightmares. after one particularly frightening one, I woke up at two am – terrified – and got online. the only person awake was andrew. I was completely terrified and scared to be alone. he came over and we talked in the lobby of my dorm until 4 a.m. I was incredibly appreciative of his presence, willingness, and gentleness. I believe he hugged me at the end of the night. the hug felt safe and genuine – I wasn’t afraid.

another time, though, he did trigger intense fears. it was after another particularly terrible nightmare – this one in the afternoon, just before dinner. I woke up crying and told it to paige, who was becoming frustrated with my nightmares. I told her I didn’t want anyone to touch me – especially not boys. in the nightmare, a man had grabbed me from behind and whispered in my ear. I don’t remember it very well right now, but I know I wrote about it. then again, I removed the online entries, so you can’t go back and look for it. oh well. anyway, because of this nightmare, I had an intense fear of anyone EVER standing behind me. at dinner that night, someone came up behind me, grabbed my shoulders, and whispered into my ear. none other than andrew. I was close to a panic attack before I realized it was harmless andrew.

the last time he explicitly asked me out was in may. I turned him down, beginning to wonder why I was doing so. it felt silly to continually turn down the same two boys who had shown interest in me for four years (there was another guy who asked me out – again – in may). yet it was also ridiculous to consider dating anyone during my last weeks at hanover.

I do remember talking with andrew throughout the last semester, each of us unsure of where we would end up. I cited this as a reason not to start dating. I remember that he was considering louisville, as was I, and I was secretly hoping he would choose louisville. I couldn’t pinpoint why, since I rarely spent time with him and I had no intention of ever dating him.

a few weeks ago, during yet another very late night conversation with andrew, I suddenly realized that our goals and career plans matched up quite well. andrew plans to be a music professor, and my absolute dream is to marry a professor and live in an academic setting forever. it’s odd, come to think of it. I can hardly imagine a career or man that I would love “forever,” but I can imagine that I would love living on a college campus forever.

anyway, the time that it would take for andrew to get his degrees and be ready to settle down closely match the time that it will take for me. regrettably, I’m stuck in louisville for five years, and andrew would like to go to illinois after getting his masters to do his doctorate. the good thing is that we are both very independent, and I think we could handle an extended amount of moderate distance for the purposes of our individual careers. I think, anyway.

there are always things that I could pick out that make me think that we won’t work out. I used to think he wasn’t a very moral person – dating around, drinking, smoking, and I wouldn’t have been surprised to hear about drug use. I’m still not sure about all of those things, but at least now I can see that he has matured. he smokes sometimes. he would prefer to live in a city, while I prefer the country.

but andrew makes me smile, laugh, and blush. tonight I sat idly, taking a break from paper-writing, trying to imagine what will happen at the end of our date. will I find myself saying, “I actually think that I really like you, andrew,”? will I find myself wondering what it would be like to kiss him? will I feel the “butterflies” while I’m with him? all the things about being attracted to someone else….will it be there? I so ho

pe that it is.

and, in reading over my entries about frank, maybe attraction really was just missing with him. I didn’t really hope to be attracted to him. I kinda really do hope that this will work out with andrew. while there are ton of things that are still questionable about him – he rejects organized Christianity, for example – there are also so many things that are exciting about him.

I have a true appreciation for music, and he has a true appreciation for psychology. I don’t think we would grow bored listening to one another, and at the same time would be enough removed from one another’s occupations. I highly enjoy the idea of spending my life with someone who is highly intellectual. just imagine the conversations we will have throughout our lives!

andrew knows my history, so I don’t have to worry about any of that going into this date. he’s feeling a little scared – he knows how easily he could mess things up with me, given my past – and a little overwhelmed that I am suddenly willing to date him. I don’t blame him one bit.

I’m really excited for this date. I don’t know what he’s planning, and I don’t want to know. that’s such a contrast to frank – I was so annoyed that frank didn’t have a real plan, and I wanted to know exactly what it was up front. I suppose it says something about how I trust andrew. and that’s pretty cool!

in other news, I must confess that there is an interesting turn with frank, and it’s all my doing. about three weeks ago, I realized that even though I’m too busy to set aside time for frank, I can fit him into my schedule – we could start having lunches together. I waited a couple weeks to tell him this. we’ll be having lunch together once this week. while I clearly told frank after our date that I only wanted to be friends, it feels odd to be furthering my friendship with frank at the same time that I’m going out with andrew. it’s harmless right now. both relationships are just testing the waters so far. but then, if I consider it the other way around – that andrew could be also getting to know another girl – I’m quite annoyed.

basically, 10,000 characters later, I just want to say that I am really excited about the date, I think about it continually, and I really, really hope that it goes well – because I would really like to find out that I am attracted to this boy.

by the way – he’s shorter than me, BUT he has awesome hanson hair – blonde and long/shaggy. I suppose being shorter than me isn’t a problem, and I wish it didn’t bug me. truth is, and I’ve said this before, ben’s body build was the best to me – it felt safe, secure, and not overpowering to me. maybe andrew will be similar.