talked into circles

today I had a practice therapy session with a classmate. he is the only one in our class who already has a masters, and he’s been doing therapy for years.

I played therapist first, and I focused on improving my skills instead of helping him solve his “problem.” I could tell that he didn’t really bring this problem as something that needed solving. then it was my turn to play client.

I hadn’t really planned out what my topic would be. I thought about it in the car: worries about what I’ve gotten myself into with this program, feelings that I won’t make it through, dealing with loneliness. so I started out stating that I wanted to talk about my stress related to the program, things I hadn’t fully realized before I got into it, and it quickly revolved to my feelings that I can’t do it, and just as quickly to my loneliness. that’s where my partner focused our talk.

I’m not sure how he did it, but he quickly got me to say the things that I could do to improve my loneliness, then moved on. a newer therapist (like me) would have hit on how to get me to do those things. but he moved around it, and a few minutes later brought me back to ME saying, again, that I need to be more proactive. he moved around it again and didn’t acknowledge that we’d already been here. the third time, I said out loud, “I feel like we’re starting to go in circles, but the answer is that I just need to actually DO something about it.” he got excited – “YES, we are going in circles! I’m glad you see that!”

I realized during our talk that I HAVE been doing something about my loneliness, just not something that anyone would expect would combat it. I’ve been spending increasing amounts of time on the hanson.net forums. it is some form of connecting to people, and it is obviously helping in some way, because I keep doing more and more of it. even I hadn’t recognized that this was one way of dealing.

I complain that I haven’t met a single person in my program who is single like me, yet I disregard Frank. Frank isn’t in my program, but he is single, and he is a grad student. why do I disregard him? he’s stopped asking me to do things with him, because I blow him off every time. I’m just too busy.

as I walked across campus this afternoon, headed toward his office, I realized that I really need to value him more. I really need to make space in my schedule for him – if only because he can become a friend who has a couple important things in common with me. maybe our friendship could become something more, though I doubt that right now, and I don’t need to think about that at all right now.

I just need to start making more small efforts to get out of always being alone. being alone is comfortable; I’m used to it and I like it. but I end up being lonely, and that it’s healthy.

anyway, I was thinking this about Frank as I walked to his office, and when I got there, he had something for me: two news articles about hanson! one I didn’t know about, one I had been looking for. that makes me so happy that frank would look for those, think of me, bring them for me, and most importantly: respect my fandom enough to support it by bringing me articles. I have spent so very many years COMPLETELY alone in loving hanson, and many of those years I tried to hide the fact that I loved them because I was made fun of so much. it continues to surprise me when someone actually respects that part of me.

I stopped by walgreens on the way home to pick up People – I heard there was a great article about him in it. I came home, sat down, and immediately read it. as soon as I opened the page, I started to cry. I cried the entire time I read it, and it felt so damn good to cry.

I’m noticing lately that I’m on the verge of tears more often than usual. just a commercial can make me tear up. I’ve been noticing in the past week that it’s happening way too often. I don’t think it’s hormonal – I don’t think I’m on that part of my cycle, and I don’t think it would last more than a couple days. I don’t really know what it is.

I think I’m going to find a therapist. I’ve been going back and forth about this for months. but even if I don’t “need” a therapist right now, it would be good to have a relationship set up for later, when I will need one. I suspect I will as I actually start seeing clients. or maybe as I start working with my client at my new job. when I start dating someone, I’m sure I’ll need a therapist. I have an ethical responsibility to manage my own mental health so that it does not interfere in my work with clients. I can even be put on probation in my program for letting my own issues interfere. I think I need to be careful in managing my PTSD, and I need to be proactive to ensure that I do the best that I can in this program.

in related news, I’ll be seeing katie, my old therapist, on friday. I’m nervous/excited.