and the conclusion

it’s two a.m., and I’m back from my date. I have a killer stomachache, but I’ve got to write about tonight.

frank was right on time – I let him in briefly while I turned off the lights to leave, and he was happy to see my cat. he’s a cat person, apparently. I’m actually sad to know that, because that’s a reason TO like him, and I was looking for reasons NOT to like him.

what did he do when we got to his car? opened the door for me to get in, and closed it. I didn’t get angry. I laughed inside at the terrible irony, and decided it was just a first-date thing that I would have to put up with.

we went to a great area of town that I’ve never been to, and eventually found the restaurant. it was packed, even at 8:30. the patio tables were full, so we had to sit inside, where it was quite loud. it took forever to be waited on, and I’m still not sure who our waiter actually was. I had never had japanese, so I just let frank order. as much as I dislike chivalry, it was kind of nice not to have to worry about anything. I didn’t have to worry about what to order to eat or drink – he took care of it. our drink came in an oddly shaped bottle, and we drank from tiny little cups. so I was glad that he refilled my little cup – I had visions of spilling the burning hot alcohol when I tried to pour it. I learned to eat chopsticks, and the sushi wasn’t all that bad. not my choice of food. quite awkward to eat. but not bad.

when we finally left, he opened the car door for me again. blah. we chatted in the car, and it took me a while to realize we were lost. we ended up downtown. I eventually found out that he was taking me to the movie theatre very close to where I live, but we went in several large circles before we ever got there. come on – the guy has lived here a year, and I’ve only been here 3 months, but I definitely could have told him how to get to this theatre.

he didn’t have a plan for the movie – he was just going to show up and see what was playing. that kind of annoyed me – I guess just because every time I go to see a movie, I know which one I want to see (or the group I’m with), and I know what time it’s showing. I could just picture us ending up watching a stupid movie, or waiting around an hour to see one. and for arriving at the theatre after 11…I just wasn’t up for that. but it worked out really well, and we ended up watching hairspray, which I LOVE.

during the movie, I was scared he would make a move – put his arm around me, take my hand, anything. I remembered what it was like as a teenager, going to the movies with a new guy. I remember how nervous I was, how excited, and how I kept wondering what the guy next to me would do. I remember the thrill of holding one boyfriend or another’s hand during a movie. but there was no thrill tonight. sure, frank is nice to talk to. but frankly, I was tired of listening to his random stories, and his humor didn’t strike me. it wasn’t just that I was scared of a man touching me, it’s that I wasn’t interested in him.

oh, one other thing – he kept poking me, asking me if I was ticklish here or there. the first time he did, it was in the restaurant, and he reached for my side. I instinctively jumped back. maybe it was a ticklish instinct, but I think it was more of a fear of him reaching for me. he laughed. he tried several other times, and I always jumped, which kept him from actually trying to tickle/touch me.

I was quiet after the movie. granted, it was past 1:30 in the morning and I had a stomachache. at one point he was laughing hysterically over something I had said that wasn’t even funny. it was all I could do to hold a faint smile on my face. I just wanted to be back in my apartment – alone.

he walked me back to my apartment. I didn’t really think. I was scared of what would happen, so I just didn’t really think. I already had my keys in my hand, and as I reached the door I saw in his eyes the shift, and I saw his intentions. but I didn’t pause. I already had my key in the door, so I turned it and pushed it open. I entered halfway, turned back to him, and then everything just happened too quickly. he must have moved toward me, and I moved towards him. I raised one hand for a half-hug as I said thank you, but he took that moment to try to kiss me. I almost didn’t realize it, and turned my head instinctively/defensively/stubbornly, so his awkward kiss landed on my cheek. he mumbled some things about seeing me later this week, and that he would call me. I agreed, wishing that he would be the guy who says he’ll call but never does.

I closed the door and leaned against it. my hand was on the lock, but I didn’t turn it yet. I knew he would be able to hear it. I thought, “I thought I was ready to date, but I’m not.” I locked the door, and I said it out loud, partly for kali and partly to hear my own truth: “I thought I was ready to date, but I’m not.” I wanted to cry, throw something, feel pitiful, and WRITE.

he’s not a bad guy. he’s not at all. he’s a writer, he loves cats (and hates dogs!), he loves shoes and fashion and sushi. he’s very family oriented, and he has goals for himself. he loves small kids! he’s a very loyal friend. he loves to travel. he doesn’t have tattoos, he doesn’t smoke (except cigars sometimes). those are all fantastic things in a guy.

so, is it that I’m still too scared to date, or that I’m really not attracted to him? well, you know, I’ve always been scared. when I dated ben, things in my life were so screwed up. and all of those guys in high school (okay, so there were only like 3 or 4) – well I dated them, even though they gave me flashbacks and I was still being abused at home.

granted, I’ve gone through a lot more since I stopped dating. but I don’t think it’s just that I’m scared of men. I think that I’m really just not attracted to this guy. he’s great, but I don’t see myself with him. I have no desire to kiss him, and I’m disgusted that he tried to kiss me. I mean, that came out of nowhere!! he never tried anything all night – never made any motion to touch me (besides tickling) – and all of a sudden, that kiss!

I don’t think I fit him very well either. he loves movies, and he’s one of those people who tells stories with the use of movie scenes. there were at least three times tonight that he tried to tell me that something happened just like in so-and-so’s scene in such-and-such a movie. each time, I hadn’t seen the movie, so he had to sidetrack to explain the movie and scene. I think he’d be happier with someone that he can share that love of movies with. sure, I enjoy movies, but I don’t watch them very often (except this summer). he loves going to karaoke bars and going out dancing….and those are definitely not me. besides, the guy is eight years older than me. I saw the look on his face when he realized that I’m barely even 22 years old.

you know what’s missing? surprisingly (or not so), it’s faith. I didn’t really bring it up tonight. I assumed he wouldn’t have much more to add than what he said last night about religion. actually, I did bring it up. I pointed out the church I’m attending, and I talked about all of the reasons that I like it so much. It’s surprising that this piece feels so missing, because I’ve spent so long recoiling from religion. I don’t really understand where I stand right n

ow with my faith, so how can I find someone to match that? but without faith, so much would be missing. I want a man that I can pray with. I want someone to go to church with. I want him to be liberal and social activist like me as well, though. without faith, how can a man truly respect the fact that I need things to move slowly? sure, a man without faith could understand that I’ve been abused and I don’t trust men right now. but he couldn’t also respect that I also believe in remaining a virgin until marriage. and what I really need – and have never received – is respect for what I have decided.

years ago, when I became a christian, I made a promise to myself and shared it with paige: I promised to never kiss a guy that I was dating until I had told him about my past. that was a huge decision back then. back then, it took me six months of living with paige to tell her. back then, I had dated a small handful of guys, telling them eventually a little bit about the abuse. dating sucked that way. the first guy I dated gave me a flashback with his first kiss. I told him one night, whispering into the dark, and he told me loved me, and held me while I cried. then he tried to make out with my anyway.

ben wasn’t so helpful either. with ben, we talked about it a lot more, and the abuse wasn’t so past-tense anymore. but he still didn’t respect me for it. he still pushed me further than I was comfortable, all the time. half the time we made out, it ended up with me crying.

I don’t need any of that crap anymore. I need someone who can make the commitment along with me, and together decide to wait until marriage. and especially now that I am so far away from where I once was, I really need a guy to be patient with me. there are going to be times when I don’t want to be touched. things are going to have to start off slow. there are days when I don’t even want women to touch me!

now, what am I going to do about frank? I can still remember the feel of his lips on my cheek, and how disgustingly close he came to kissing me. urgh. it’s frusrating to realize that after all this time, I’m STILL not ready to date. I think that’s what I’m going to tell frank, and we can leave it at that: “I really thought that I was ready to date again, but I’m not.” but it’s going to suck to have to tell him that. I don’t want to make things awkward. and I also don’t want to end up avoiding it and make things more awkward. and I know that’s more likely to happen! he’ll probably call tomorrow or something, and I’ll let him chatter in my ear while I try to come up with an excuse to get off the phone, then the guts to use it. then a few days later, he’ll probably ask me out again, and then I’ll have to figure out how to tell him that he’s a great guy, but I can’t date him.

I wish I had a therapist right now. I wish I could talk to katie. I really, really wish that I could talk to katie. I want someone to tell all of this to who will give me ideas for how to move forward, who will help me feel that this isn’t so hopeless. how can I go through four years of therapy, get my dad out of my life, and be worse off than when I was living at home with him? when I was living there, I still managed to date guys. now everything should be better, and now I don’t have anyone to touch me. I wish I could be ready to date, I really do. I don’t like being alone. I miss sharing things with someone, cuddling with someone, making out with someone. I did like those things, sometimes, I know it can be better than it was.

maybe I just need to be more patient. I need someone to get to know me first, before dating me. frank hardly knew a thing about me when he asked me out. it would be nice to go on a first date with someone who already knows it’s best not to close the car door on my behalf, rush to open the restaurant door, carefully hide the bill from me while trying to sign it, etc. I just need to give it some time. especially given that I don’t actually know any single guys right now. but you know, there’s no rush to get married. I’ll be in this city for five years. then I could be anywhere at all for two years after that before I can settle down with a career. there’s no rush. and in it’s place, there should be some trust in God. there still resides in me the trust that God does have a plan and does work things out for good – that there is a man out there that God has in mind for me, and God knows when I’ll be ready to meet him. and the time to meet him is probably not three months after I move here, three weeks after I got fired, and two weeks after I started a new job and a graduate program.