false hope

there is this guy at work. he works in the campus mail room, and he’s quite friendly. when you walk in the room, there are several large copy machines along the wall to the right. you turn to the left, and that is his desk. you have to walk past his desk into the ajoined room, which is the mail room. today I chose the word to describe the mail system at the campus: archaic.

in this room, there are three sets of mail slots. in the first, you place your outgoing mail in the appropriate slot – according to what program is sending the piece of mail. in the second, you place the mail you want to send from one department to the next in their staff slot – security, adult accalerated program, business administration, etc. in the third, you pick up your mail for your particular school – school of business, school of communication, psychology, nursing, etc. I figured out today where to get my personal campus mail. in the building that holds the psychology faculty offices, there is a very small room with two file cabinets and a table. two drawers are for students, and in one of drawers is a file folder with my name on it. it was empty.

it seems like a silly system. it’s full of errors – if you are sorting the mail yourself, instead of a couple people who work in the mail room, there are going to be mistakes. and it seems complicated to not have a central mail system for students. what about undergraduates, or undeclared major students? what about the interesting (junk) mail that goes to the whole campus? I guess there wouldn’t be any of that here.

anyway, there is this guy that works in the mail room. at first, every time I passed him, he would ask how I was. this would require at least a slight pause to answer, look at him, and ask the question back for politeness’s sake. but it is quite wonderful to be acknowledged on this campus, especially when I first began and didn’t know anyone.

I think it was last thursday that I first struck up a conversation with him. maybe wednesday. I remember that I walked away smiling, so glad that I had had a real conversation with someone I didn’t know. and a guy, at that! it was especially encouraging after meeting several great guys in my program, only to realize that each one was married, engaged, living with, or had a girlfriend. I wasn’t sure if I actually liked mail-room-guy, and I’m still not sure.

I did have two conversations with him today. they’re somewhat awkward, because I know we shouldn’t talk long, but I’m not so good at ending conversations gracefully, and he seems reluctant to end them. I’m always asking myself: is he flirting? am I?

today he asked me if I liked theatre. I said yes, somewhat disctracted by my thoughts and the mail that I was sorting. is this a probing pre-date test question? it would be awesome to have someone take me to a play! I wonder what play? does he like plays? I wonder what kind. wait – is he going to ask me out next? now? now? or maybe next time he sees me. man – what should I say? do I WANT to go on a date with him? maybe I just want a new friend, and maybe I just want to have a good time with someone. wait – where does this mail go?

the thing about this guy is that he reminds me of Ryan. the guy has got to be Italian; he is so much like Ryan! he has the same build, probably the same height/weight as ryan. he has the same social aspects as ryan – he is so outwardly eager to talk to me, reluctant to see me go. he has the same desire to express himself, yet the same hesitance to do so. consequently, he speaks haltingly at times and lowers his voice below perception. his laugh is just the same – sometimes nervous, sometimes so whole-hearted and full.

when I walk away, I wonder – do I like him because he reminds me of ryan? do I actually like him anyway, or am I just being polite?

it’s just so nice to see a friendly face, to see someone happy to see me. it’s nice to talk to someone else who isn’t from louisville, yet is older and not going through the transition at the same time. it’s damn nice to have a harmless guy paying attention to me.

if he asked me out, I think I’d say yes. it would be worth getting to know him better, and starting to date again, even if nothing does come of it. I don’t want to be closed off from men anymore.