fireworks

fourth of july lands on wednesday…how cruel is that? I think somewhere in my mind, as the day approach, I was asking God that. how cruel could You be?

I don’t notice so often how lonely I am. I’m surrounded by people – children – all day long, every day. my coteacher chatters, so there isn’t silence, and I don’t notice often that I don’t get the chance to chatter back at her.

when I walk in the door to home, I turn on the tv first. even before I take off my shoes – and I always take off my shoes first. the tv stays on all night – while I cook dinner, while I eat, while I sit at my computer. at 10, I just sit in front of the tv. kali sits on my lap, and we watch wonder years. at 11, I go to bed. I try not to look at the clock, so that I don’t notice that I can’t fall asleep.

then I get up and do it all again.

and I try not to notice how lonely I am. instead, I worry about money. but that’s another story for later.

on the weekends, I go home. I’ve always had an excuse so far, luckily. I went to a bridal shower, I went to a theme park with my high school friends, I went to a wedding. I have a reason why I must go home, and then I can spend most of the weekend with people I love, having FUN. it’s so hard to leave and return to louisville for another week. I’m having more fun with my friends now than I did in high school. and they mourn, “why did you have to move so far away? two HOURS.” they never noticed that I spent four years three hours away, and I’m actually closer now. I spend time with my brother now, and I always want to be near my mom.

I don’t have an excuse to go home this weekend. I’m broke anyway.

so, it’s the fourth of july. when I was home over the weekend, my brother said that maybe he could come for the fourth. and I completely latched onto that – I decided in that instant to do everything to make it happen. and it looked like it would, until he remembered that he had to work that day. he only works one day a week. he didn’t bother to try to move the day.

so it’s the fourth of july. it’s been a good day, but a long one. I woke up at 9 a.m. I’m not sure why I didn’t sleep in more. I was having weird dreams anyway. I watched three movies today. I ate every few hours. I did pilates for the first time in almost a year, and I walked on the treadmill for 20 minutes. around dinnertime, I finally took a shower. I read some from the book I started on vacation and haven’t picked up since. I also read an article, the first bit of research I’ve done this entire summer.

so while I resolved not to do any real work: not to leave the house, not to cook, not to unpack boxes or feel guilty for not unpacking boxes, I actually accomplished a lot of nice things.

and as darkness fell, I put in a scary movie. people outside started setting off fireworks in the street, and I almost screamed. at the climax of the movie, I suddenly realized that the fireworks might be on tv, so I turned off the movie. as I watched, I began to cry. I realized how terribly alone I am. and then I thought about childhood independence days.

we always went to carmi over in illinois for their fireworks show. evansville has a riverfront show, but we never went. mom and dad didn’t want to face the crowd. actually, there are plenty of years when we missed the show, or tradition wasn’t quite as it should be. but I like to remember it as the same every year – or at least almost.

we always took the same blanket to lay on – I think it was the one with the lion on it. I haven’t seen it in years. we always laid in the same place on the grass, and parked in the same area to walk. we laid in the lawn of some apartment building or motel. I remember lying there as it slowly got dark, asking over and over when the show would start. we always had a can of OFF with us. we slapped at mosquitos, chased lightning bugs, and waited impatiently. we watched the other kids with sparklers, but we didn’t ask out loud why we couldn’t have any. we just knew. sometimes we commented on something dangerous that someone did with their fireworks.

the show was never very good. there were usually long pauses between blasts of fireworks, so much so that we would wonder if it was over. but we knew that there was always a finale, so we were also constantly wondering when the finale would come.

I remember how we would talk as we watched the show. we would make comments about which we liked, which was our favorite, and just gutteral sounds of amazement at a color, formation, or collection of fireworks in the sky.

I remember my dad lying there on the blanket, reclining on his elbows. I remember my mom there. some years, they laid together and touched. some years, maybe dad was holding my hand. it makes me cry to remember that time spent with my dad, knowing that it will never happen again.

as I cried, remembering my family and watching the fireworks on tv – trust me, fireworks on tv are simply depressing, they are nothing like being there – in my mind I pictured not having to be alone anymore. I pictured being held in someone’s arms while I cried. I pictured being at the riverfront with that someone, holding that someone while we watched the sky. I pictured being on that riverfront, crying over the memory of my dad, and being held by someone who understood with patience.

someday, I won’t have to be alone anymore. it’s bad enough to know basically no one in this city, but I’m talking about lonliness that cuts much deeper than being alone in the city, or living alone in an apartment. it’s so much more than not spending time by myself….I want so bad to have someone to share everything with. it’s been so long since I’ve shared much of myself at all. it’s been much, much longer since I’ve held and been held by someone.

I’m glad to have been single for three years, and I don’t regret that at all. I certainly wouldn’t have changed that. I just desperately hope that I don’t have to be single too much longer. is it God? is it me? is it that I don’t know anyone I would date? I’m afraid that it’s me – that something about me still blocks people out and keeps men away from me.

I hope someone gets through sometime soon.

well, I could move on to the next distressing topic: money, but I think I’ll hold off. tomorrow is back to work, and I still need to go finish that scary movie. that’ll be great: finishing a scary movie and attempting to go straight to bed.