roadside panic

I’ve noticed this for a few years now, and it’s always been a fear: I tend to zone out while driving. for example, last summer, when I was housesitting and moving around a lot. I would start driving on autopilot and just zone out, until I realized that I was driving to a place where I no longer lived. for years I’ve tried to convince myself to focus, because I’m scared that I’m going to run a red light someday. I just don’t notice that lights are turning sometimes.

lately, all of those almosts and sometimes are turning into reality. a couple weeks ago I DID zone out on a red light, until I had to slam on my brakes and come to a screeching, sliding stop. last week – maybe twice – I was in traffic and didn’t notice the line of red brake lights ahead of me until I had to slam on my brakes to stop in time. three or four times now, I’ve completely run stop signs, noticing only after or while passing through the intersection. I did that once today and once two days ago. luckily, they’ve all been on small roads so far.

and now I have my major story to tell you, about this evening and almost wrecking. much more of an almost than all of the above little incidents.

I joined my high school friends today at holiday world, a theme park in our area. it’s basically an hour drive from home and an hour drive from my apartment in louisville. we had an awesome day – there were 9 of us, and we stayed together the whole day (even though we were endlessly negotiating and deciding what to do next). the lines weren’t bad at all, even though it was supposed to be one of the busiest saturdays of the summer. at about 4:30, some clouds rolled in, and the water park and some of the rides were closed temporarily. some of our group left, and many people in the park, but the rest of us chose to wait it out. it barely sprinkled. when the announcement came to turn the rides on again, everyone raced for the new rollercoaster – including us. we sat on the ground in line and chatted while we waited for the ride to be inspected for re-opening.

we rode a couple other rides, then noticed some very dark clouds coming for us. the dark clouds got darker and closer, and we started to gather our things to leave (though still reluctantly, for some of us). as we were almost out of the park, the announcement came that a much worse storm was approaching – lightning and lots of heavy rain. people began running for the parking lot. my friends left in a car of 6. since I had come from the opposite direction, I was alone.

I settled in for the 90 minute drive home in the rain, and set out in my car. I was headed down a highway that would lead me back to the all-too-familiar interstate. it was pouring now. I was messing with my radio to find a good station. I found one, and continued to wonder how low I dared to roll my windows despite the rain (my car was still so hot, and I have no AC). I started to wonder why my car sounded like it was roaring the faster I hit the gas. it worried me, because it was a new problem that I didn’t understand, and my car has had quite a few odd little problems lately. I saw a stop sign ahead, and remembered the intersection from the morning when I drove through. all of a sudden I realized that the stop sign was approaching and there was a long line of stopped cars.

I slammed my brakes, and nothing happened. without thinking, I turned my wheel hard. nothing happened, so I turned it hard the other way. nothing. the wheel wouldn’t turn any further, and I couldn’t press my foot any harder on the brake. the line of cars wasn’t moving, and I wasn’t stopping in my approach. I just knew I was going to hit them all.

finally my wheels caught, but since my steering wheel was turned to hard, my car veered and jerked into the right turn lane – now I was going to flip into the ditch, so I jerked my wheel the other way.

I actually slowed, corrected, and just stopped there. I knew before I had even completely stopped that I needed to turn on my blinkers. I did. then I just shook pathetically, and realized I couldn’t breathe. I told myself over and over to breathe, calm down, don’t panic, stop shaking. then I thanked God. to stop the shaking, I readjusted things in my car: got my cell phone and some towels out of the backseat. my roof was already leaking, so I would need some towels. I turned off the engine. I tried to stop shaking. and my thoughts raced.

it’s the brakes. my brakes are out. it’s because I’m always slamming on them lately. I almost died, and took all those people with me. what am I going to do? maybe I blew a tire. maybe it’s a flat tire. who should I call for help? that car load of people – but that’s not really any help. their car is full, so they can’t take me home, and taking me with them wouldn’t help my car or help me get back to louisville. I can’t even call my mom, because she’s several hours to the west this weekend staying with some family. miranda is having a party, so I can’t call her, and there’s no one in louisville to call. AAA can help – and tow me home – but I don’t even know what the problem is.

I decided to wait for the cars to clear and test my brakes. and wait for the rain so slow. I tested my brakes a few times in that turning lane, and I swore that they were hardly catching. I decided to test it out for real and get back on the road. maybe I could just drive very carefully and get back home. I was still terrified – I gripped the wheel, and either or imagined or felt that my car wasn’t even steady on the road. after a mile or two, I pulled over again, feeling panic swelling up again.

I waited a long time. maybe by then I actually realized that I had just hydroplaned, and it wasn’t that my brakes were gone. but I don’t think I realized that just yet. I finally realized that my only option was to make it home or call AAA. it had been a half hour by then, so my friends were already halfway home.

I waited for most of the cars leaving the park to clear, and by then the rain had slowed as well. I took it slow for most of the way home. and I’m fine. I realize now that it wasn’t my brakes, it was just a bad and terrifying hydroplane. and I realize that it happened because I simply don’t pay attention. what is wrong with me? I practice yoga and meditation – if I practice mindfulness, then why can’t I be mindful where it counts – sitting behind the wheel?

on the way home, the images of the almost-wreck flashed repeatedly through my head. I thought about how to get rid of this car. I tell mom that I like having a convertible and don’t want to sell it. sure, a convertible is fun. it’s useful at times as well. but the truth is that I know I wouldn’t get much money out of the car, and I have absolutely no money to buy another car. how will I ever have the money for even a monthly payment? for the first time, I seriously wanted to get rid of this car today. but then I remembered that I have no other option anyway.

I’m suddenly way too tired to keep writing. which is a good thing, because I’m planning to get up and go to church tomorrow for the first time in louisville. and I really need sleep if I’m actually going to get up early tomorrow.