Desperate desires and unadmirable plans

I am certain of it now…the reason I feel so alienated from everyone around me. It’s because people really only care about themselves. When someone is sad I ask them why, and I listen–I mean really listen–and then do my best to offer advice without changing the topic to me and how awful my situations have been. I try to keep the focus on them, because in their moment of need THEY are who matter. Even if what I have to say is not pleasant for them, it is ABOUT them, and in what I feel is their best interest.

I guess I thought that’s what friendship was. Being able to put your shit aside for long enough to give a shit about other peoples’ shit.

I will stay awake at night worrying for other people, wishing I could do more to help them. I wish I could find a way to insure that you-1 will be naturalized in Ireland so you do not have to return to a place that causes you so much upset. I wish that you-2 would be able to figure out the problems that are keeping you in this stuck feeling, and tearing down every bit of progress you make. There are so many more 3, 4, 5, 6…people who pretend to care, but really in the end the who point is to return to their troubles, their joys, and everything they want to share.

I want to believe that the people I have invested the whole of my security in, attached all the ties that ground me to this place, really do care about me. But let me tell you this. There is a difference between silence, and listening. There is a difference between offering your personal experience and helpful advice, and just fucking talking about yourself. And most importantly there is a difference between telling someone you love them and meaning it.

I haven’t heard those words with a shred of truth in such a very long time. Don’t love me because I make your life easier. Love me because you want to do the same for me. Love me because you want to be for me what I am for you. I am nobody’s rock. But I want to help. I want to stop you from hurting. But every time you ignore my pain, or turn away because you would rather not see, you hurt my feelings.

I am not some security blanket to be taken for granted. Stop it.

Did you know that being used by anyone in any capacity is the worst feeling in the world. To be used by someone you care about and trust, is far worse.

If you can’t deal with me when I am not at my prime to make your life better. fuck off.

You sound like a really nice, caring, giving person. Unfortunately, the world is a very selfish place. I hope you can find someone who affords you the kind of friendship that you offer to others.

I’m not sure which I do, because if I’ve been through a similar situation I usually say so in order to relate, not trying to take attention away, but then one of my friends said that I always turn things back to me, so I’m not sure if everyone takes it that way or whether it was just him that day. Anyhow, hopefully things will work out with your friends and between them and if not, let them deal

w/ their issues themselves for a while and take a breather:) ryn: it’s all good. They do suck. Oh and I talked to one of his ex’s who wanted to know what was going on and found out that he’s been trying to get her to dump her currrent bf o from him, and she knows (and had told Dan to tell me) that apprently he’s dating his ex (who he claims to hate) and no one is supposed to know about it. So,

I’m glad I had my gaurd up to begin with and that things didn’t go further than they did.

Oh, and Alexandria, near DC.

Cool:) Thanks. yeah, perhaps:)

lol not so freaky when you consider that a lot of guys are probably that way. he always says he’ll call and only does once in awhile, even when he’s not necessarily guilty lol. But I’ve a feeling if I talk to him again it’ll probably either end up in him fabricating a lie to try to make me believe he didn’t do what’s going on, or him turning it to blame me for something somehow. Either way, I’m

not sure I’ll see him again even as a friend depending on how far he pushes me. But it’s not getting me down. I’m a little irked, but I’m not too upset over it. I expected him to not have changed as much as he appeared, and he proved he hasn’t and can’t be trusted. In other news, Dan and I are getting along better. Don’t think there’s much there and idk if it’s worth giving it another go, but

we’ll see what happens. I figure things happen as they will and u never know. If I’m meant to maybe i get this job in VA and meet someone there and if it’s supposed to work out with me and dan it will somehow and if not it’ll be for the better for us both eventually. I think I believe that anyhow