Before the virus takes hold…

    How does it feel to watch the people you love rip themselves apart through secrets, confusion, and excess emotional baggage?  Bad.  Worse than bad.  And even though they shouldn’t hurt each other, even though hurting each other is the last thing they want to do…they do it…over and over again in the EXACT same pattern until the very life blood of their relationship is Poison.

     I love them…I wish things could undo this knot they’ve found themselves in.  But mostly I wish they could just find their happiness…even if it’s not with each other.  Maybe he knows that…maybe she does too.  But everytime they collide like this, even with the best of intentions, it seems to go wrong.

     Of course I have my own special way of offending people without meaning to.  An away message today was the source of one such thing.  Silly as that sounds…I forget how seriously that sort of thing can be taken.  I’d like to rant about how stupid it is to take an away message seriously…but why do we post them if we don’t intend them to be read?  And AIM is such a huge part of my college life that I can’t imagine not posting my list of to-do’s or the latest moving song lyrics…or that funny quote from the night before…Better than blogs because half your friends are guarunteed to be compulsive away message checkers…even when we don’t mean to…we are making a statement here.

     But meh…still I wish there wasn’t the aftermath of a poorly thought out away message to deal with.  I begged for some normalcy after a weird weekend.  And he replies-having been here for that weekend-"I’m sorry I’m not normal".   What I was thinking as I posted that message was not so much that I crave normalcy in those around me…I adore my friends without fault.  I crave normalcy within…I feel offbalance…and weekends like this…where everything goes wrong…or goes askew…I can tell even more drastically that somethings not right within me. 

     I drank every night this weekend…ever night.  That’s very unlike me…especially on Saturday night where I just downed 4 beers without thinking.  Then I threw myself on Cookie for comfort…not that I knew what I needed to be comforted about…I still don’t.  Then I called my mother…thinking she would help sooth my ruffled feathers…and strangely it did nothing to help.  She tried I guess…but really…I guess there is nothing external that can fix this.

     It’s the disconnection I feel…I think…though it will take more introspection than I’ve had time for yet.  I feel far away from everyone…literally in some cases(boyfriend) and emotionally in others.  I find it harder and harder to talk to people about what’s going on inside of me…my thoughts…more importantly my fears…and this diary can only hold so much because words are all I leave here.  I’d dump more if I could…but the emotion is still locked up withing my "real world". 

     I feel heavy.  I want to unload.  But I can’t do that until I figure out what weight I’m carrying. 

     I smiled a lot this weekend, because smiles are easy.  But maybe what I really need is to cry? Or get angry?  Because I can’t seem to find these emotions anymore.  There is no cure for them…nor should there be…so am I just that good at hiding them?  Have I tucked them away from even myself?

     This is ridiculous. 

     I’m reaching out to myself…and finding that I’m somehow…missing.

meh…but at least I’m doing well in school.