can this be adulthood?

Every stage of life I’ve yet been through has been nothing more than a passing through stage. Oh you’re a child waiting to be a teen! That’s where the excitement is…highschool here I come! Oh a teen, huh? Just wait til you’re eighteen…no holds barred then. You’ll be legal for…almost everything! (yeah right) Twenty huh? These are the good years, you’re so young, you’ve still got your whole life ahead of you…the adult world is just within your grasp…keep moving forward.

What the hell? My whole life ahead of me? And what of the past two decades? Weren’t they part of my life? I hate this growing up business…it’s just a matter of waiting for the next rung on the ladder…and every step is killing pieces of joy. I told someone recently that I just don’t deal well with disillusionment. I guess its true, ad how foolish a thing it is…clinging to the things we know when every day opinions are changed, facts are rewritten, and nothing holds its breath for even an instant to stop this dizziness.

I’m growing tired, and about fifty percent of the time I wake up with this knawing weight in my gut. Like a weight I stuggle all day with it, until it finds its chance to spread wild-fire quick in the silence of my room. I’m not busy enough to keep it away…I’m not brave enough to face it…and…meh

Is this growing up? This slow self-killing, self-analyzing, self-loathing….? Am I expected to play this game with chance that today might be another horrid day…where for no reason I feel sick and alone. I can’t please anybody…I can’t please me…I can’t stand the weakness that seeps from the pores of my skin like a fever sweat.

I don’t want to be a born victim…but all I can manage in my own defense is this stupid, passive-aggressive behavior that I can’t control.

I’m having a party this weekend…and in so many ways this is a bad, bad, idea….but I need the escape almost too badly to forgo it. Drink, dance, people, heat…a change of scenery…a fase start….it’s not really going anywhere…

i even have guilt about the angst i lay out here….and that is just damn stupid. I am pissed at the world….hurting for no damn good reason…and this is my outlet!

so why do care? no one is complaining but me.

damn…11:30 and i’m exhausted 🙁

u sound interesting… wanted to show my appreciation

.craig.

March 6, 2006

ryn: i’m definitely crazy, especially since i have a degree in history 🙂

i hate growing up too.

ryn: haha, my history degree has gotten me nowhere. im working on a certification in nuclear medicine. a complete 180 degree change.

Teddygirl

March 7, 2006

Hi Love, angsty yes. But you have every right. We all must analyze at some point. You please more people than you know with just that beautiful smile of yours. You are your worst critic remember that Parties, eh, possibly a bad idea, but usually fun. Enjoy it, we’re only this age for so long as you said yourself. have a tucan sam and be merry I don’t remember what’s in that but have a drink for me

I think that’s a problem about it. they all say ‘this will be the best time of your life.’ no it won’t. because if it is, that means the best is over and the rest of your life is wasted. but it doesn’t mean that if it’s not the best it wasn’t worth it. just enjoy where you’re at and look forward that hopefully it gets better from here