bleak and empty…a promise

It’s hard for me to function as I feel I should in this world. Which is actually pretty crap considering I don’t believe in a next one. I am an unsettling factor…upsetting the delicate balance around me with the inabilty to move within the flow. And I’m getting mean…I hate being mean. It hurts the people around me with its carelessness, and it acts as the one thing keeping that precious distance between me and those around me.

When did I begin having this trouble with intimacy? Emotionally connecting with someone, anyone, everyone. I pretend to reach out, but if I was really making an effort it would work…someone would hold me. But I can’t be held, it hurts and frightens, and this is why I can’t do relationships…this is why I can’t commit to … anything.

It’s why I never cry

I should not talk to my housemate about her ex boyfriend when he has caused her so much pain, and is still my friend. But on the other hand…I feel that to not speak about him would be hiding something from her, an equally ugly prospect. I should not feel guilt every time I speak to him, fear of him, or the inexplicable devotion I feel to the people who treat me the worst. Once upon a time he was very important to me…a close friend and confidant…that changed as things do, and as change sometimes does, it hurt. Suddenly we’ve gone from bi-annual visits and bi-monthly phone calls to speaking several times a week? Hanging out two weekends in a row? Is this a rekindling of an old friendship? Or is this somehow connected to her…and the confusion of feelings he may still harbor for her and vice versa?

I just want someone to love me unconditionally…through my faults without putting me on a pedestal, or turning away from the ugly bits. I want someone to be here with me, when I’m nasty and when I’m sorry. When I’m hateful and when I’m hurt. It’s a lot to ask…but I want it all the same. Dean cannot be that person from so far away…but the truth is this person doesn’t have to be my boyfriend…even friends can love unconditionally.

I have to ask myself, can I do this in return? I hate to ask of someone, something I can’t do for myself.

I should not suggest therapy to others when there is a really good chance that I need it just as badly. Sure, ADD meds now, but then what? I can’t bear the thought of being on meds forever. but my true fear is that there is something else going on inside me right now that I cannot deal with…like all the emotions I lock away to produce the rock that you see before you. I … I just can’t deal with so much…why? I can find no trauma in my past that would wreak such damage on my soul. But none-the-less I feel shattered, and afraid.

Give me illusion and sense of safety anyday….please.

I ask myself the same things sometimes. I hate myself when I’m vicious but I do it all the same and I try not to, but we all have th capacity in us to be spiteful and hateful and we all need to be allowed that at some points. I just try to keep it in check. I don’t really reach out as much as I pretend either. In fact, I’ve been relatively withdrawn since I got here, and I noticed I’m doing it

again. I spent all day reading and then instead of doing other things, I started another book. granted I needed to read it eventually for class but I’m doing it purposely today and I think tomorrow I’m just going to stay here and clean things out. I didn’t even call Ryan and I had planned to even to leave a message. don’t know if I even will tomorrow (though I’d love to see him if he’s still

planning to come down part of me just doesn’t want to put forth effort right now). Anyhow, try not to get down with it, just do what you need to do. we all have these times and they all pass. you’re fine as you are and people who are worth your time will be able to love both sides.

ryn: thanks. I hope so too:)

Heureuse_garcon

March 1, 2006

Oh Pudding, I love you. I’m sorry I can’t feel what you feel exactly. Then I think I could be compassionate enough to help you and to make you happy. *kiss* Love, Cookie