Precious and fragile things

     This diary has become so angst ridden that I’m begining to feel like some bratty teenager with all my black goth clothing, sitting in front of the compurter screen whining about silly and pointless things(not that I’m hating against black clothing or goths).  In fact I’m not wearing any black at all right now, just jeans and a green shirt…so there goes the goth problem.  But you catch my meaning right?  I just feel whiny…and this craving in me begins to write really shit poetry.

     Help me?

     Still, things aren’t all that bad.  I’m still looking for a job, and hopefully the Lane Bryant thing will work out…or hopefully Ruby Tuesdays will call back.  I don’t know.  I’d like a job.  I go to the doctor a week from tomorrow and I can’t stand the wait.  Already I have lost track of my life.  I just want to go out and wander…and in between I want to work.  I’m through with this whole mess….or at least part of me is.

     One of my friends says he’s going to Ireland this summer to bounce around from pub to pub, and I told him I wanted to hop into his suitcase.  Not just for the boyfriend thing over there, but I miss the country and the culture.  It was a lot of fun, and hell it would be great craic if I could ever get the money to go.  I wish he’s been able to visit me while I was over there before…but we just didnt catch each other in time, ya know?

     Still.  I want to go out and see something new, open up new doorways, and move forward.  I’m going to try and relax…this is my permanant goal of course, but seriously…I am going to work on just letting it all go…but at the same time stop placating people and make a stand for myself.  I am tired of just being "the Hi-C getter".  Not that I want others to fill that role for me…I mean hell we can get our own Hi-C, and maybe once and a while surprise our friends with a Hi-C.  But the point of this silly metaphor is that I don’t want to be the person who is always giving…giving…giving…and getting nothing in return.  There are some times when giving without receiving is a great thing…but I’m not talking about those things. 

     I don’t think I have to explain further…if you get it, you’ve been there or know someone who has.

     Things are all on shaky ground right now.  Perhaps this is what growing up is…just never being able to find sure footing because every day more trails are laid at your feet, and more illusions are broken, and more ideals are questioned.  Black and White blend to grey….or perhaps they bend to the whole spectrum of colors…and the more colors we find the more unsure we become.  I want some of that surety back…even if it means no longer stopping to question things…or perhaps especially if thats what it means. 

     I’m just tired of the jerk and pull on my life, my emotions, and my beliefs.  I want something steady, and nothing in my life is steady right now.  Maybe that’s where the job comes in…something to root me to the spot, and serve as a foundation for other things. 

     That’s exactly what I need.  A foundation.  What’s your foundation?  Mine has cracked and crumbled into a thousand little pieces in the shape of question marks and tears.  How do I build with that?  And where do I find the materials to start over fresh?