I Told You*(poem)

I Told You

Everything in this place is
going gray. 
I’m looking out my window right now
and everything is
gray,
muted,
empty,
a perfect little void. 

I don’t want to go to work. 
I don’t want to go to class. 
I don’t want to eat lunch. 
I don’t want to talk to anyone. 

Not because I’m lazy,
at least not today,
today its because even these will be
gray,
and somewhere in my chest
       it                     will 
             f  e  e  l
               tight. 

Gray and tight and uncomfortable. 

There’s a pressure
behind my eyes,
and it’s been there since
January, and I haven’t let it
out, let it go,
because I don’t know what it is
and that scares me. 

Instead I conquer it
day
after
day,
but its uprisings are tireless,
ruthless,
pointless. 

If I could just know,
then I’d be able to ease
this push against my senses
that has nothing to do with you
at all,
but they tell me it is,
and I know they’re wrong. 

This is all within me,
tucked away
and even I cannot reach it. 
I told you,
I’m afraid to.