Interview With Assessors

Last Saturday I finally had my interview with the “assessors”, the ridiculous term used for the people investigating my situation. It was a gruelling experience, commening at 10am and concluding at 4pm. We did, of course, have a break for lunch, and a couple of very short breaks in between. While the two women were respectful enough, it was so difficult to speak with two total strangers about the situation and about personal details They asked questions like: Do you remember the names of any teachers from school? Did you have any difficult times in the seminary? Someone write to the bishop in 1993 expressing a concern that you seemed to be under some stress – what was the stress, do you remember? I know it was probably trying to build up a profile about me, but I couldn’t answer some of their questions – no normal person could! And to try to explain your reasons for a particular action to people who know nothing about you is very difficult, too, because you don’t know how much detail to go into. The whole interview was recorded on audio-cassette. I was honest with them, but when they asked questions like: Why do you think this person is making these claims? I had to say, I don’t know and would rather not say anything as the person is not here to defend himself. I mean, I might have my theories, but I honestly don’t know and I could be totally wrong, so why say anything?

I was a wreck at the inverview’s conclusion and fortunately had a trusted friend waiting for me who hugged me while I sobbed and reassured me, making sure I was fit enough to drive home.

Since then I’ve not been travelling so well. After almost seven months, it’s finally taking its toll, and Saturday was the clincher. On Tuesday I went off to see my doctor, who is reluctant to prescribe drugs unnecessarily. He’s put me on a mild anti-depressant for six months. I commenced the course of medication yesterday. I felt a little light-headed and seemed to perspire more than usual; but had no side effects today. I seem to feel more capable of facing life the last two days and expect it will remain so. A doctor friend of mine told me thousands would have gone onto medication long before me, so that made me feel good. Up until now I’ve had the mental reserves to cope, but they’ve been all but ripped form me. I’m walking for at least 45 minutes each day, and feel the better for it – have been doing this for a couple of weeks now. I try to ensure I see at least one friend each day, and if I can’t see someone face to face, I call them to talk on the telephone.

On Sunday I drive to Big Smoke and will be there until the following Friday. While there I will see two counsellors, after which I will choose the one I believe can help me most. Then each month I will spend a week in Big Smoke and have two or three sessions with this person during the week. The purpose is to process the whol experience so I don’t become a victim and so I amd free of any baggage that would hinder me as a person and as a priest.

So, that’s where I’m up to. I have no idea what the outcome of the “assessment” will be. It will still be at least another month, maybe two, before a decision is reached. This waiting will continue to be the worst period of my life, but I know with the wonderful support I’ve had from family, friends, and others, I’ll see it through. I have no doubt of God’s love for me. Regardless of the result, life will go on and the world will not end. As St John’s gospel reminds us: The truth will set us free.