Eons in two years

what do i want, why do i constantly feel like what i choose is wrong, am i right ever, at all? what IS the right thing to do, wy does it hurt either way, why do I want to go say “It’s all ok now.” and yet I hold myself back at the same time. Would it be? Could it be? Will it ever be? What’s the point of all this? Why do we fall in love? What is love? Where does it come from? Why does it make us stupid and crazy and emotional, and how do we fuck it up so badly? And why is anything short of 99% not enough? I don’t believe in perfection, I know this, so why isn’t good good enough? Why do I torture myself and why do I not know what to say and why do I try to say it anyways? Why do i expect things to be well, but I know that I’ve broken things you just can’t fix. Not him, me. I broke those things, I snapped them apart. I wanted more, always. I want to turn around and say “YES!” I want to scream yes, I want to write it on a big yellow sign in neon green letters and hold it up over my head everywhere I go. I want YES. But I’m scared, because yes hasn’t worked yet, so when do you give up on YES and say you’re only making it worse? You can say “this time we won’t take it for granted.” But will you? If you don’t even respect a breakup, how can you not take it for granted?

Forever,
Afton

It’s my diary, it’s there for me to rant, not to explain myself to you. Feminists make me angry, at least the ones I know, because they make me feel like it’s not okay to want to be a “girly” girl, among other things, including the whole pro-choice bullshit. There. Eloquent enough for you?

Testy, yes. I don’t like it when people get their jollies by provoking me. It is your right to leave me notes, but it is my right to react however I please. There are no deeper issues, unless you count the fact that I believe feminists are inspiring gender homogeny, which offends me. Feel free to present your ideas in respose. I’m no longer angry, i’m now interested to hear what you have to say.

and then you have to ask urself . . . is there a right and wrong?

I figured something must be wrong, you’ve written two entries in three days! 🙂 Are you talking about Mike? Or was there someone since him? See, it’s been that long…. I hope you are alright. I think most people feel bad about themselves and think “what’s wrong with me?” after a break up. You need to think, “what’s wrong with him?” <3

so good to see you’re writing in here again, even if it is about shitty stuff. i’d like to hear how you’ve been, if you get a chance. talk to you soon,

Oh Afton, it’s so hard to see you like this. Hope things turn out for the better. All I know is which self-help book seems right for this situation. Sounds like personal development and figuring things out — Life Strategies can help you with that. There’s also the easier Life Strategies for Teens if you don’t have too much time (it’s simpler and that stuff).

And please remember, it’s not always just one person’s fault when there’s a breakup. I made that mistake before, and then I realized he contributed to those problems and I contributed to his. It was a mutual disrespect. But now that he’s not around, you can work on yourself without him nagging or pointing out another flaw.

Thanks so much for your notes. They were really very helpful. I’m freezing cold, so I can’t say more right now. Thanks again!

my friend tautometer was fixed by you, I am just having problems getting into my diary, I must have forgotten the password and the request password page has not been working, let me know if you can help! -the ugliest swan AIM: seared tulips or theugliestswan