why now

It’s sad, I have tears in my eyes and I’m not totally sure why.  I’m stressed, frustrated, needing a break.
I am writing my abnormal psychology paper right now which is due in 12.5 hours and for all I know it is going to take me that long just to get it done,  I had it figured that it would take me 4 hours to write my paper, 30 minutes a page or something like that, I didn’t figure in the writing my notes down so I’ll be up past midnight for sure since i still have to write my paper.  I need a break, a few minutes to relax but I can’t afford it so I have to wonder, it is faster to take a break or stress about not getting the paper finished on time.

I’m tired which is dumb, I’m distracted, I’m worrying about myself and my other half.  I wish that I knew what to do about everything but it seems like it is coming donw all at once and I can’t handle it all right now.  My nose is sniffling at the moment and I don’t like it.  I need to breath, relax and not have this all happen tonight.  There are few, very few times that I want my mother but for some odd reason that is what I feel like I need.  In the past when I had a lot of things happening all at once I could go upstairs, sit at the dinning table, my mom would be there working on a crossword, I could just sit there, look at my work, maybe do a little on it but then after awhile, talking to her or not I could go back downstairs and get it all finished within a reasonable amount of time.

I have to go, I need to get my face looking normal and finish this freaking paper.

*edit* well look at this, twice in one night, I feel so freaking happy.  I’m tired, stressed, lonely, missing having someone to talk to, Robyn is watching tv and I do have to get this paper finished, called the boyfriend but hs is going out with friends, with them already and I don’t want to bother him and not when he is with others.  I need my mother… I WANT MY MOMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  well that didn’t make me feel any better, I want unhealthy stuff and a stiff drink now, I need to remember to have someone older to buy some more rum for the apartment, I drank pretty much what was left in the bottle that we have now though I had a lot of help and we’ve had it since christmas break or so, rum and coke, it’s better than my stressed out upset stomach from the nerves and stress. 

You know, I posted this whole entry for a purpose, it didn’t serve that it was ment to, go figure, can’t get what I want, I’m sutpid at times, go figure.  Now I’m ranting, how about another one, How am I suppose to get to work this summer if my car is here and I’m home?  How am I suppose to make sure my mom doesn’t worry about money if my dad isn’t smart enought realize that we tell him that he needs to get a job because the family doesn’t have money, how do I live my life without the secuirty of knowing that no matter what happens my mom will be there to help me out.  How do I get through my next few years of college when I feel like I’m horrible at it at times, how do I get the one that I love to realize that grades are important and that things need to be done on time.  How do I live my life as not only my own but as a part of someone elses.  How do I make it through this night, this week, this quarter, this school year, this summer, this lifetime? 

I want a fucking gummy worm.

I want a hug from my friends, I want a kiss from my boyfriend, I want a night of restfull sleep, I want another day for the things that started this all.  I want to know that I don’t have to worry about getting a job (meaning a psychology related job after school), I want to know that I will be good at what I want to spend the rest of my life doing, I want to know that I am helping people and making a positive difference.  I want my mother to know that I am doing the right thing, I want to never have doubts that I’m not.  I want to fall asleep tonight and know that I’ll wake up in time for spanish class and have this paper finished then.

I want another box of kleenex. *edit*

**edit** sometimes guys just don’t get it do they? **edit**