if only tomorrow was known

*posted at another site last night*

Sometimes I wonder what I am going to do with my life, where my life is heading and what happens when it gets there. I’m nervous, anxious, happy, many things. I dislike not having control over most areas of my life, I need to feel like I have some form of control over at least half my life, if I don’t then who’s life is it?

I need to get some things off my chest when it comes to certain people but I am not that sure on how I am suppose to say what I need to say or on how to say what should be said. I’m kinda dreading how I am going to tell my mother that I don’t think that I am going to go back home after this year in school but with the stupid dividend that Alaskans get each year, I have to go back in the summertime because I can only still get it and be out of state if I am a full-time student so I will have to check into that, if I can’t do that then I might just lose residency for Alaska but you know what, it doesn’t really matter if I do, I’ll be where I am happy.

It’s kinda sad, I know that I wont be able to handle not being with my boyfriend for even a summer, I’m lucky to be able to last two weeks without seeing him but when we usually only get 2 days every other week, well we really like our time together and the phone calls don’t really make up for it. People have asked why we talk so much on the phone and it’s easy, no amount of time on the phone will trully make up for a moment together but we sure are trying 😉

Right now I’m feeling rather bored and tired, I only had one class and it was only 2 hours in the morning, I mad lunch, did dishes about twice, cleaned my room, made one of my room mates’ bed and then did some reading for abnormal psychology. I want to go do something, I don’t really have the money but you know, whatever works is good with me. I really wish that I had someone to go do something with but the two room mates that are usually here study as long as they should and I don’t (they do have more to study than I do but they actually get it all finished :P)

I need to apply myself more and I’m going to have to stick to doing a lot of study work. I also have to find a job that pays well enough and I am going to do that hopefully after my classes on school days so that I can have the weekends free to be able to either have my boyfriend come here or for me to go to his place since he lives 200+ miles away from me(which is a lot better compared to the 3000 from there to Alaska).

Well I should go, maybe do some more reading or massage my neck so that I don’t feel like it would be better to chop my head off.

laters.