Issues going on~long rant

I found out last Thursday that the company I have been working for on contract for the past 8 months, are letting me go. Not because of my job proformance, but due to reforatting the positions in my department, they won’t need me. The  whole thing with my job has me in such a depressing mood. Things just keeping getting worse it seems. I was at work today, and guess what. I got to meet my “replacement” HAHAHA
Such a nice thing for them to do, just rub it in even more. Then it seems like everyone I usually talk to, doesn’t want to talk any more. Like they are distancing theirselves so it won’t be a big deal on my last day.

I have started looking for another job already. I have a few leads on some, but I am just hoping i can find something part time for the summer and then go back full time when school starts again. I really really wish I would find a job SOON, so I could just walk out of that building and not look back. It is a shame, that was the ideal company to work at and i loved it. But its amazing how one person can change the whole outlook on things.

Another thing going on in my life. Its a touchy subject for me. My childhood. It wasn’t a great one to say the least. I always swore that was the only thing I wouldn’t be honest with my kids about. Last night the boys were acting up so bad and I just snapped and told them details they never needed to know about me or their grandfather. Yes I am a child abuse survivor. I don’t openly admit it, or talk about it. I keep it bottled inside. But for some reason after telling the boys what I did, I felt better. That isn’t something I wanted to feel by telling my boys something horrible about myself. But it is leading me to believe that I may need to see a counselor. Nice thing to realize when I don’t have a job to rely on to pay for it huh? Such is my life.

I am thinking that I am going to resign from my position on the board for the football league. I have way to much on my plate as it is to be stressing out over a sport. I think I liked it better when I was just a mom watching the game, instead of being a board member/mom watching the game. Does that make sense to anyone? It does to me in a way.

Russ is trying so hard to be understanding and patient with me. I am pushing him away more and more every day it seems, but he keeps pushing back. He knows about most of my childhood and has seen some of my issues with regression and trys so hard to comfort me. He is making dinner right now and letting me just chill all alone in my computer room, and making the boys give me space for awhile. I am a mess. I am crying one minute and normal the next. Never know, I may end up in a psycho ward before I get through this week.

If you read this, I am sorry it is so jumbled. I just needed someone to talk to for a few, and I don’t trust a person in real life to vent to. Very very few people know the true me behind what I let on to be.