+Holy Thursday

I’m meeting with Dan in an hour or so.  It’s his birthday today, of all days. 🙂  And of course it’s his birthday AGAIN on Saturday. 😉

I’ve gotten him a couple books – "Return of the Prodigal Son" by Fr. Nouwen and a marvelous little booklet called "Understanding the Mass".  (Best short work on the Mass I’ve ever read.)  And on Easter I’m going to give him a ikon of "The Beloved Disciple" – Jesus and John at the Last Supper.  (Keith’s getting one of "Our Lady of Vladimir" – he’s really into saying the Hail Mary, though he hasnj’t quite gotten the hang of the Rosary yet.)

(Speaking of ikons, Keith and I went up to the Chrism Mass on Monday, and on the way stopped at a Catholic bookstore in another city.  There I found an ikon that I simply HAD to pick up on the spot.  I’ve never seen one like it before, and it’s awesome!  It’s of St. Thomas Aquinas, who longtime readers will know is extremely important to me – he played a role in my coming to the Church.  Anyway, he’s got the traditional sunburst on his chest, with a seraph hovering near his head.  He’s indicated as "St. Thomas Aquinas, The Angelic Doctor".  He’s smiling gently and raising one hand in blessing… but best of all, his other hand holds a scroll with the perfect quote from his writings:  "JOY IS THE NOBLEST HUMAN ACT."  Finding this ikon is almost like getting a call from an old friend – St. Thomas is definitely one of "my" saints. 🙂

Anyway, I have to share what happened early this morning, but a bit of background is necessary first.

Though I haven’t mentioned it much lately, I’ve continued to see Mary, the counselor who uses EMDR.  (Eye-Movement Desensitization Routine – though ironically, it doesn’t really involve eye movements any more!)  It’s been tremendously helpful to me;  enabling me to get to the bottom of a lot of emotional issues that years of talk therapy with Mike just weren’t ever able to touch.  I seem to have suffered a huge amount of preverbal trauma, so no wonder.  And really, it’s not surprising…  what with being born premature and being in an incubator for months on end, and suffering seizures that destroyed my vision for the first three years of my life.

Mary tells me frankly that she’s not only never had a patient like me, she’s never even heard or read of anyone remotely like me. 🙂  My brain’s reaction to EMDR is just plain bizarre and unprecedented.  But it does work, though in ways she just doesn’t understand.  It’s been slow going, as we feel our way to how best to do it.  I’m already her longest-lasting patient.  But I’m pleased to report we both agreed this morning that we’re probably on the home stretch!  Not much more work should be needed.

For a while, we’d hit what seemed to be a dead end.  Then a couple months ago we had an idea of how to change things around a bit (I’ll spare you all the technical details) and things started to pop again in a major way.  My extreme emotional and physical reactions to EMDR have smoothed out and become much more gentle, which is a sign that a lot of stuff is finally getting ironed out.  Plus I’ve been dreaming up a storm the last few weeks – apparently in response to our work – so a lot of stuff seems to be going on under the surface.

Our last two sessions (the second of which was yesterday) have been mild and odd… I got a lot of strange imagery from it.  (You may recall that my brain just doesn’t DO mental imagery – part of being blind so young.  Well, it does when we’re doing our thing!)  After yesterday’s session, I thought, "Well, that was bizarre… but didn’t seem to accomplish much."  I was wrong!

In the wee hours of this morning, I suddenly woke up from an intense dream.  I couldn’t for the life of me tell you what it was about, but I felt the powerful urge to say something.  It was a struggle to speak, as I started trembling all over so very hard – it was more like *vibrating* than a mere shudder.  But finally I managed to spit it out:  "I don’t require any evidence that I’m good, and that God loves me."

I said it a second time, with my body still shaking like mad.  A third time, until I thought I might vibrate apart!

The fourth time was effortless, with no resistance.  And I felt completely, utterly relaxed, with not a tense muscle anywhere in my body.  My breathing is coming noticeably easier today, and I feel quite amazingly happy.

What was it I said last entry, that I have self-hate issues of my own?  Heh.  I think working with Mark has been very good for me… just hearing myself say aloud certain things to him caused them to sink in for me more deeply, I think.  That plus the undeniable "loosening" and facilitating effect of EMDR seem to have finally shaken something into place within my heart.

And then, of course, there’s the grace of God, without which no good thing can happen.  This happens on Holy Thursday, of all days!  Just in time to prepare me to celebrate the Triduum!

Thank you, Beloved!  I praise you for your work in my heart, and for your impeccable timing! 🙂

P.S.  I called Mary this morning to tell her, and she was delighted.  That’s when we both agreed that likely I won’t be needing too many more sessions.  We’ll see!