I guess it’s over :(

I wish I could stop thinking about this situation…but I can’t. So maybe sharing it with all of you and actually writing it out will be somewhat therapeutic? I will try it at this point…

I think things with Joe are over.

Call it my gut the other day or maybe just a coincidence, but my insecurities of him “caring” might have been justified. I will try to sum this up as short as I can.

This weekend was supposed to be our whole weekend together (per his bet/request) but did not wind up going that way even before the weekend started. Thursday night I texted him with “so- a bunch of people are going to this bar Stout, a laid back place you would like- what do you think?” he said “sounds great! I am eating dinner at my brothers, but should be done early- so I will call you and come meet up. Can’t wait”.

So Friday he called me after work and we made the plans- he was just going to call me when he was done and meet me out.  And he did. And we all were having a great time and drank a lot. At some point in the night he and I kind of talked about things. Maybe not the “best” time, but we were having a moment.  I asked him if it was really me that he liked or if he if just wanted a girl, etc. and he assured me that he “wouldn’t be there if he didn’t want to be and that he really cares about me and thinks about me a lot”…”I know that sometimes I might not relay it enough, but you have to tell me when you’re thinking these types of things so I know”…”I’m glad we can talk about this stuff”, blab la bla, etc etc etc. We left the bar kissing and holding hands and everything was okay. Or so I thought.

When we were IN my neighborhood almost to my house (and after him telling me he wanted to keep my gate swiper so that he could ‘get in easier’ without having to call me to buzz him in all the time), he starts talking about how he wants to stay at HIS house. I’m like “uh- we’re AT my house, you shouldn’t be driving anyway, why can’t we just stay here”. And this is where the stupid (and our first and only) fight comes in. He wanted to stay at HIS house because we stayed at mine last time (the ONE time we’ve stayed together), and he didn’t have his “stuff” (wtf?! What “stuff”?) , etc. He was not changing his mind and although he inititally told me he wanted me to go, he was by no means trying to convince me, but moreso having the attitude of “well, I’m going to my house whether you’re coming or not”. So I say to him “I can’t believe you would rather stay at your house alone then stay here with me” and I got  out of the car and left. (it didn’t help that at this point I’m feeling so rejected). He did not follow or try to stop me. I texted him a few minutes later (yes, mature, I know..I was shitfaced) with “thanks for showing me your true colors”. No response. Called a few times a half hour later but he just cleared me.

So I wake up sat morning around 8 and I’m feeling guilty for sending the mean text and bad that we had our first fight over something soo stupid. So I wave the white flag and text him with “I really don’t want to fight with you L”. No response. I call him at 12 and leave a message saying “hey- it’s me- it’s about 12- just call me when you get this”. No call back. So by 5pm ALL sorts of thoughts are going through my head “did he even make it home- he was mad and drunk”, “did he get a DUI”, “did he get in a bad wreck”, etc. So I text him again at 5:30 and say “Can you at least just let me know if you got home safe last night”. About an hour later he texts me with (and keep in mind his cell phone doesn’t work while he’s at his brothers, but sure as HELL does work at his house)….. “sorry, was at my brothers. Got home safe and soundJ hope you’re having a good day!”. WTF??? So I text back with “I’m surprised you’d think I’m having a good day after the night ended. Just call me when you can”. And he responds with “will give you a buzz. Out with my brother right now looking at cars for him”.

And now…  as of 4:00 on MONDAY…still no word from him. He never called me, has not texted me, nothing.

I just.don’t.get.it.

Friday he said how much he liked me, and then what- it’s over because of a stupid and our first ever fight?!? And if he just “wants out” then why can’t he just say so? After 4 months is he going to just STOP talking to me all together?!” This not knowing and no communication is driving me CRAZY! Did he ever even care at all?? And as much as I’m trying not to think about it- I can’t help it. I really cared about him more than I thought. And this is so hard….