oh that ugly green-eyed monster *edit*

another stream of conciousness… i’m liking these things

I was starving. When I got home there was no food. Literally. We have lunchmeat but no cheese. (I cannot eat a sandwich without cheese). There was leftover spaghetti sauce, but all the leftover spaghetti was gone. So I boiled some spaghetti.

Now I’m looking at a plate of cold spaghetti and I feel like I’m going to cry and I have no fucking clue why

That’s not entirely true.

I’m jealous. I don’t know what of, or if there’s even anything to be jealous of. All I know is I came home and I checked everyone’s away messages, as always… his away message says “Kelsey.. I care!” I have no clue who Kelsey is, or what it is he cares about for her… all I know is that just seeing that made my stomach knot up.

And I wonder is this the same Kelsey that I’ve noticed leaving him messages on his myspace? Because if it is…. I’ve had a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach ever since first noticing her. I know it seems irrational. But I have to go with my instincts. My instincts are rarely wrong. Never never never have I ever felt so jealous of anything or anyone in my life. I’m not a jealous person by nature, I swear I’m not. And I want to say I trust him. I can’t explain why I’m feeling this way.

And what does it really matter anyway? We still don’t know what’s going to happen when I go back to school… My original plan was to just date him for a couple of months, have fun, and forget about it. the best laid plans of mice and men… Now I’m all screwed up everywhichway. Why can’t I just let myself have fun without getting feelings involved?? I guess it’s just not in my nature. I care too much about people. I swear it’ll be my downfall. Half the time I feel so detatched from the rest of the world and yet at the same time, I can’t actually be detatched. I feel separated emotionally, yet I can’t actually subtract my emotions from any equation. But the point is now, I don’t know what I want. I don’t know if I want my going back to school to be the end of an “us” but I know from experience that long-distance things (even long-distance half-things) are hard and emotionally draining and I’ve already done *two* within the last year and I don’t know if I can do it again.

So maybe he’s already anticipating that when I go back it’ll be the end, and he’s looking for my replacement? No, I don’t really think that. I can’t think that.

But I am falling (have fallen???????????????) And although it would seem (from rereading my diary over the past two years) that I tend to fall in love easily (which is probably true) it takes a LOT for me to be able to say it. ESPECIALLY directly to the person in question. And even now, I question myself as to whether I’m already there, or still getting there.

Random thought: I wonder if there’s a way to find out dates of past full moons and how many of my angsty/depressed entries were centered around them.

I’m scared. I’m so incredibly scared and I don’t know why.

My only fear in this world is being alone.

*edit*
in case you’re wondering… i didnt finish the spaghetti…. and yes, i did cry tonight. i think i needed that… we’re supposed to talk tomorrow, and if i manage to say what i think i want to say, there no doubt will be more crying