i’m okay people!

After recieving numerous *hugs* and “I’m sorry’s” I realized that I sounded a lot more upset in my last entry than I actually was. Yes, a few tears were shed, I won’t lie. But I’ve shed so many tears over Jim in the last few months, that I believe I may be out of them for him. I’ve cried so much over him, mostly because I had no idea what he was thinking, what was going on with us. Now I know. And more than anything, I’m just so damned relieved.

You know, this actually makes me think of today’s sermon in church. I was kind of spacing out because I have a cold, but I know he kept saying something about waiting. And how, even if something bad happens at the end of it, you can be just so relieved because you don’t have to wait or anticipate anymore. Anticipation, not knowing, is probably one of the most exhausting and emotionally draining things in the world.

And if it’s not one thing, its another. I was waiting for him to graduate. Next thing I would have been waiting for him to get back from Iraq (provided he goes, which I believe he will). Then who knows. Maybe he would have wanted to wait for me to graduate. As much as I love/loved him… I can’t live my life like that. I knew three months ago when we intially began this waiting game that I couldn’t live like that, but I didn’t want to admit it to myself. I wanted to believe that my ideal little picture I had in my mind of what we could be, would come true. But it didn’t. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t still have a tiny glimmer of hope. But in the last few days/weeks, my eyes have been opened to reality. I mean, come on. I was in the middle of writing about giving him an ultimatum when he told me what was going on. Either I’m psychic, or we were just on the same wavelength somewhere along the line.

Besides that, I’ve been dating too. Right after Jim told me about his now girlfriend, I messaged my new boy to tell him to come console me. (He knew about what the situation with Jim and I was, and knew that I was holding out hope for me and Jim to get back together). But anyway, when he came over and held me… I actually almost had to force myself to cry. Not that the tears were fake–no they were very real. But I had to reach down deep for them. And once again, the tears weren’t for the loss of Jim. They were for the fact that I couldn’t believe how lucky and undeserving I was to have someone who cared about me so much that he’d want to be with me, and comfort me, even though he knew I was thinking about another guy.

I almost told him that I didn’t deserve his devotion, but I know he would have just hushed me and told me yes I did. Then he’d brush the hair out of my face, kiss away my tears and hold me tightly.

So yes. I’m relieved. And almost happy. And…. *sighs contentedly* …. yea, I’m okay.